


Scarecrow

by thosepreciouswalls



Series: Wide grey universe [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Everyone Needs A Hug, Friendship, Gen, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, antidepressants, changes are hard, please why are there no hugs in cannon?, so are tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thosepreciouswalls/pseuds/thosepreciouswalls
Summary: Right after the war, Kakashi's been gone for a long time on a mission Tsunade gives no details on. Naturally, his students are curious, not to mention they've missed him. This is their story, following their sensei as he reluctantly does what's needed of him. As he always has. The village is what matters after all, far more than him.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Wide grey universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922683
Comments: 53
Kudos: 127
Collections: Naruto





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, here we are. This takes place as Kakashi comes home after Wide grey skies, and although this might technically be able to stand alone, I’d recommend starting there. It’s a crossover where Kakashi gets to know Hermione Granger, but I don’t think much knowledge of the Harry Potter universe is needed to enjoy it. Also, while that is a crossover, I don’t plan on telling any of this from Kakashi’s perspective (although my plans have been known to fail in the past); therefore, I didn’t mark this as a crossover. It will strictly remain in the Naruto universe for the time being.
> 
> In my mind, this is sort of an in-between piece. I can’t say how long it’ll turn out, but I have some scenes I’d like to write like this, so I expect it to be at least a couple of chapters. As hard as it is to write new characters, it’s also a great deal of fun. Especially watching Kakashi through new eyes, belonging to people who knows him, yet doesn’t know him at all (not like we do).
> 
> Don’t worry though, I won’t be able to stay away from doing Kakashi and/or Hermione for long, and their POVs will be back. Maybe in separate stories to this one, but in that case I’ll make sure to mention it in an AN, for those of you who don’t follow the series.
> 
> Lots of love!

Sakura sits bent over the corner desk in the Hokage’s office, searching through books and scrolls. The fact that she’s a great medical-nin and Tsunade’s student doesn’t mean she can’t get better. If she’s ever going to live up to her master, she needs to push boundaries. Which means research. She’s really very lucky that Tsunade lets her stay underfoot, where she can occasionally bounce ideas off of her. Although, the gleam in the Hokage’s eyes as they throw arguments back and forth in rapid concession insinuates her allowing Sakura in the room is not entirely altruistic.

Later, she’s going to wonder if Tsunade knows who will drop by, unannounced but for a short knock on the closed door. If she had an inkling that it’d be today, and kept Sakura here for that reason alone. Kakashi’s been gone for the better part of a year, close to an eternity with everything that’s been going on, and even Naruto’s given up on pestering Tsunade about it. ‘Long-term mission,’ was all they ever found out: S-ranked, details on a strict need-to-know basis. It was unfair, Naruto had raged, Kakashi had done enough, had earnt some time off, and Sakura had quietly agreed with him. Not that there was a lot of time off to be had in the village either.

The knock, when it comes, is answered vocally, Tsunade’s raised voice as she calls out for whomever it is to enter bounces off the walls of the room. She has a way of producing a lot of volume, without shouting, that Sakura wishes she could reproduce. It’s a thought forgotten as she sees who steps into the room.

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura can’t help but call out. She gets a raised eyebrow in return, an unimpressed look, and a poorly hidden smile.

“Hokage-sama,” Kakashi greets their superior, “Sakura,” he turns to her.

There are no obvious injuries, Sakura catalogues, he moves and holds himself as he usually does. A slight weariness, perhaps, but then again; his feet and lower legs are covered in dust and a backpack is still hanging off his shoulder. “You just got back?” Sakura poses it as a question, for forms sake.

“Yep,” Kakashi answers, his hands pushed into pockets and posture relaxed. “Figured I should get this whole reporting in business done so I can call it a day.” Sakura glances at the clock.

“It’s only just past five,” she says, as if he’d need telling. Maybe he’s spent more chakra than he lets on. It would be like him.

“For you maybe,” Kakashi shrugs, “but not for me.” It’s cryptic, and clearly all she’s getting because Kakashi turns to Tsunade.

For a few seconds, they do nothing but stare at each other. Tsunade sits with her chin rested on her hand, Kakashi stands stock still, and Sakura’s sure none of them so much as blink. The intensity of it ends with a sigh from Kakashi, his shoulder sinking a centimetre they don’t regain. “So,” Tsunade says when Kakashi stays silent, “how did it go?” For someone who can be both blunt and fierce, her tone is on the mindful side, and Sakura finds herself wondering about the nature of this conversation. They’re not of the same stature, there is only one Hokage at any given time, but everyone knows the hat will pass to Kakashi. Soon. And Tsunade isn’t normally one to tread carefully. It raises a lot of red flags regarding the nature of Kakashi’s mission.

“Depends on your definition of successful,” Kakashi answers, “but it’s completed.” There’s something in his tone Sakura can’t read, something passing between Tsunade and Kakashi she’s not meant to get.

Silence falls again, although this time it’s searching rather than tense. “I didn’t,” Tsunade starts, but Kakashi cuts her off.

“I know,” he says. Then, as serious as Sakura’s ever heard him outside of battle: “Thank you.”

Sakura catches the widening of her master’s eyes; Tsunade wasn’t expecting that. It makes the whole conversation even harder for Sakura to grasp. Kakashi shouldn’t be _thanking_ Tsunade for being sent on a rough mission, should he? But it sure wasn’t an easy one either, given his earlier answer.

Sakura’s missing something here. She doesn’t like it.

“Don’t mention it, brat,” Tsunade tells him, and Sakura bets Kakashi knows she only talks like that to people she likes.

“There was a complication,” Kakashi says, “a set of individuals I hadn’t expected.” He’s back to his normal, carefree, vague, self; whatever they were talking about before laid aside. “But I think this is a thing best discussed in private.” He glances at Sakura, and at a corner of the room that Sakura realizes holds an Anbu guard.

“Leave us,” Tsunade orders, waving a hand, and Sakura stands. She can’t understand why they had that whole circumventing conversation in the first place if they were going to throw people out afterwards. Although, given the participants maybe that’s why they did it that way; they didn’t actually have to say much to each other, did they? At least not about the parts that was clearly delicate for whatever reason. They could simply hint, stare in silence, and be as nondescript as they wanted while blaming it on the presence of others. Sakura knows out of experience that Kakashi’s an expert at that, and Tsunade’s not far behind to be honest.

“Oh, and Sakura,” Kakashi adds as she’s about to step out, “please let Naruto know that if decides not to wait until tomorrow, but rather come and wake me up, there will be _pain_.” There’s a politeness to his voice that Sakura’s learnt to watch out for. Combined with a promise of pain rather than death (which they all know he wouldn’t dole out), it’s a threat to be taken seriously. Not that that’s ever been guaranteed to stop Naruto.

“Will do,” she tacks on a, “Kakashi-sensei,” to be on the safe side. “See you,” she finishes off, before exiting and closing the door. Work will have to wait. If she doesn’t track down Naruto straight away, he’s going to be pissed.

.oOo.

Naruto can’t withstand the temptation. It’s been long since, but he spent a lot of time as a kid trying to get the jump on his sensei, and he has missed the man, alright? Of course, it’s doomed to fail. Even with his nose buried in a book Kakashi-sensei senses the two clones coming in from behind while one runs diversion up front. He’s fast too, in a way Naruto still hasn’t managed to take after, stabbing all three of them with a kunai in the blink of an eye. Which; ouch.

Dropping down from his perch in a tree, Naruto’s grinning despite the memory of the blade. “Oi,” he calls out, “what if that _hadn’t_ been clones?”

Kakashi throws a glance at him over the top of his book. “Well,” he says, “you’re not stupid, are you?” Pausing, he cocks his head, hums under his breath. “Sorry,” Kakashi’s voice is dry, “my mistake.”

“Hey,” Naruto shoves at an unrelenting shoulder, “that’s rude. And here I was coming to welcome you back and everything.” Falling into step next to his old sensei, Naruto keeps the conversation going without waiting for an answer. “You’ve missed _a lot_ ,” he tells Kakashi, “I mean, as you can see the village was rebuilt all the way, and Ichiraku’s opened properly again, with Teuchi-san giving away free ramen to celebrate. It was the best day ever.” Taking a breath, Naruto looks around. “Where are we headed?”

They’re in a part of town he doesn’t know very well, and he’d found his way here guided by Kakashi’s chakra alone. Before he left, Naruto knows Kakashi said they didn’t have to hold his apartment for him, not when it was soon to be finished and people were still in temporary shelters. Maybe he lives in these parts for now, before he moves into the Hokage residence in a few weeks.

“I don’t know about you,” Kakashi says, “but I’m going for lunch.”

“It’s ten o’clock,” Naruto feels the need to point out, but then again, “I could eat.”

The chuckle it earns him is not unexpected, neither is the way Kakashi flips his book closed and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I’m sure you could,” he says. “And I’m sure you’ll fill me in on all the gossip along the way, whether I want it or not.” It’s an invitation, despite the way it’s phrased and how Kakashi’s tone pretends to be suffering.

“I so am,” Naruto tells him, “believe me!” He takes a second to mentally sort through what Kakashi-sensei might find more important, and starts there. “Gai’s finally out of the hospital,” he says, his good mood momentarily dimmed. The man survived, he was able to do that much, but, “he’s in a wheelchair. They can’t fix his legs.”

A sigh escapes Kakashi, and he glances at Naruto for a second before focusing back on the road. “They were pulverized,” he points out, “everyone knew there was nothing to do.”

“I know,” Naruto acknowledges. “Bushy brows tells me he’s taking it well though, he’s back to training some kind of taijutsu that can be done supported by crutches.”

Kakashi looks heavenward. “Why am I not surprised?” he says.

“I know, right!” It’s amazing, Naruto thinks, how that man never gives up. That’s some real strength right there. “Apart from that,” he continues, “I’m taking the chūnin exam in November, since there wasn’t one this spring. I told baachan she could just promote me, you know, but she refused. She was real stingy about it too.”

An eyebrow is lifted, and Naruto can see he succeeded in stopping Kakashi from brooding about Gai. “And she made sure it’s when I’m Hokage too,” Kakashi points out. “If you tear down the arena or any such nonsense, you’ll never get your promotion, are we clear?”

Naruto pushes his hands into his pockets and smiles as innocently as he can. “I’ll be on my best behaviour,” he says, “I promise.”

“We’ll see about that,” Kakashi answers. He doesn’t look convinced.

“Sakura will be entering the jōnin track soon,” Naruto continues, having saved the best bit. “She’s really awesome, you know.”

“You did good,” Kakashi peers at Naruto with uncommon sincerity, “both of you.”

There’s not been many stable points in Naruto’s life. Iruka of course, _always_. Jiraya, when he was around. Tsunade, to some point. And Kakashi. Because friends are friends, but these people have something more, and it’s not only sheer age difference. It makes Kakashi’s words now far more important than if they were uttered by just about anyone else. They make Naruto feel light inside.

“I heard about Sasuke,” Kakashi says not many steps down the street later. Naruto stops to take a breath, the lightness suddenly overtaken by something less pleasant.

“It’s only temporary,” Naruto says in defence. “he’ll be back once he’s cleared his mind.” He has to, because even now there’s a piece of Naruto’s soul connected to the bastard. A band as absolute as history itself tying them together, and they both know it now. Sasuke will get his time, although Naruto has decided it’s absolutely not allowed to go on for more than 18 months. After that he’ll follow the string pulling at him, and go drag the idiot home. He’s already beaten him once, he thinks, forming a fist with the hand Tsunade crafted him, he can do so again.

“I’m sure he will,” Kakashi agrees easily. Naruto nods sharply and forces any lingering doubt out of his mind. He’s got better things to focus on, like his sensei being back.

“Did you know,” Naruto brings them back to easier grounds, “Tsunade had me go see Gaara, all official like? It was the best. I stayed in Suna for weeks, and hung out with Gaara, and got _paid_ for it. Diplomatic missions are amazing. Put that in my file will you; send on diplomatic mission to Suna at least once a year, preferably in wintertime.”

Lunch turns out to not be ramen, but Naruto can’t find it in himself to complain too much. Not after Kakashi shakes the discussion off with the fact that he hasn’t gone this long without proper rice to not get it now. It is a small something about Kakashi’s mysterious mission. That and the way he adds he was so far away the sun didn’t set. Naruto isn’t that easy to fool though, he’s older than that now; there are no places where the sun doesn’t set.

They wolf down gyūdon, and the book Kakashi hides behind is new. It’s written in some weird language Naruto thinks his sensei is only pretending to understand. All of these oddities make him crazy curious about what the mission contained. What kind of long-term S-ranked placement requires all these evasive hints of having been somewhere completely beyond the normal world? And who does Kakashi think he’s fooling either way?

The next odd thing Kakashi says about his mission is that he’s been lazy – technically possible if it was a scouting or surveillance missions, but Naruto doesn’t see _why_ then; why Kakashi? – and that he needs to whip himself back into shape. Naruto is not ashamed that he jumps and punches the air when he realizes that means training. Since Sasuke left there aren’t many in the village who stand a chance against Naruto in a one on one fight. At least if he uses his sage mode. With Kakashi back and wanting to hone his skills Naruto’s chance at fun spars just grew exponentially.

And it _is_ fun. It’s so much fun. The better he himself gets; the more Naruto can appreciate the sure genius of his sensei. Kakashi can rival Lee on speed, can stand his ground against Shikamaru when it comes to strategy, and if there’d be rules to their spar, he’d probably cheat more than Naruto. Not to mention the sheer amount of various ninjutsu he keeps using. The Copy ninja indeed.

“You’re lucky I’m jetlagged.” Kakashi’s winded as they finally come to a standstill, Naruto’s kunai pressed against the skin over his jugular, “you need to sharpen your attacks, keep better track of your surroundings.”

“You’re lucky Kurama is grumpy and unhelpful when he’s sleeping,” Naruto answers, feeling giddy all the way down to his toes, despite Kurama’s brush-off. “This would have been finished a long time ago otherwise.” Kakashi’s only answer is a raised eyebrow. “Do you yield?” Naruto asks, for the third time. This question has been answered by Kakashi turning into a log twice already. The man’s slippery.

Turns out third time really is the charm. Kakashi cocks his head and pushes his hands into his pockets. “Yes,” he says.

Naruto’s victory dance is interrupted by a lightning fast hand whipping out to slap the back of his head. “What?” he questions, “I’m allowed to celebrate. I’m practically Hokage now, you know.” Naruto points at his chest with his thumb. “If I can beat you, then they can’t keep me back much longer.” Kakashi-sensei won’t take offence at Naruto’s aspiration to get his hat, Naruto knows. He’s already said he’s only holding it until Naruto’s grown into it. Which is ridiculous; Naruto is strong, and only half a year younger than Gaara.

“Pass your chūnin exam first,” Kakashi tells him with an eyebrow raised, his voice dry, “and get some experience as an actual leader, and then we can talk.”

“I will,” Naruto tells him, “believe it!” He stretches his arm out, holding his thumb up, and smiles widely.

Kakashi bring a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose as his eyes close. “Not you too,” he says.

Laughing, Naruto gives the other man a push in the direction of the village. “Come on,” he orders, “I’m hungry. Time for second lunch, which is ramen. And since I won you’re paying.” The way Kakashi grumbles is in no way a refusal.

It’s good to have his sensei and friend back, Naruto thinks. Kakashi is uncomplicated and steady. He knows how to let things be and focus on the here and now. Naruto likes people like that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The massive amount of response I got for the finishing chapter of WGS and the first chapter of this was crazy. I think it had me smiling non-stop for a full twenty-four hours (a true feat, the third day of starting anti-depressants after this messed up spring and summer). Thank you for that!
> 
> You might be noticing these chapters are a lot shorter than the later ones of Wide grey skies, which has the upside I get them done faster. Next chapter is started, but given the anti-depressants thing mentioned above I can’t think very well at the moment. I should get better in a few days, although I can’t say exactly. Just so you know in case it takes more time than expected.
> 
> Lots of love!

Sakura isn’t surprised to find Kakashi scheduled for a check-up his second full day back in the village. It’s also logical, in a lot of ways, that Tsunade-sama put Sakura as his primary physician. With Tsunade planning to leave for a while after Kakashi’s inaugurated, she’s out for reasons of consistency. Also, she’s the Hokage until then. Shizune is starting a family and will be off duty for a couple of years, so she’s not a choice. Of those left, Sakura might be the youngest, but no one’s mentioned her age in a long time. Studying directly under a Sannin has a way of shaping someone up quickly.

“Look,” she tells Kakashi before she gets started, because being responsible for the Hokage is a huge deal, but she is a medical-nin and the patient always comes first. “There are a lot of competent medical-nin in this hospital, if you want someone else.”

“They’re not as good as you.” It’s not a question, and Sakura feels pride unfold in her stomach. Even years after leaving Kakashi’s tutelage, there’s a part of her that holds his opinion as a benchmark for success.

“Some are better,” she says. “We have different specializations.” Which is true, but there are only two medical-nin officially allowed to stand on the frontlines, and Sakura is one of them. If it’s an issue of injury, poisons, or chakra related damages, few can compete with her. “It might be good for you,” Sakura continues none the less, “to be with someone that you don’t have a personal connection to. Patient confidentiality is absolute either way, but people generally wants their primary physician to be disconnected from the rest of their lives.”

Kakashi tilts his head as he watches her. “Do you think this way?” he asks. “About your patients?”

“Not really.” There are some things Sakura would rather not know about acquaintances – like one part of the married couple running her favourite izakaya being repeatedly treated for STDs – but by now there’s few things about the body and its functions as such that she finds awkward.

“I trust you.” Kakashi shrugs.

“Patient confid-” Sakura is cut off before she can finish the word.

“Is great on paper,” Kakashi says, “but I _trust_ you.”

“Oh,” Sakura lets out before she can stop herself. He’s watching her, and seeing both his eyes is still strange. It doesn’t make reading his face much easier. She pulls herself together. “Well then,” she says and gets started.

There hasn’t been a doubt in Sakura’s mind for a long time that Kakashi cares about his former students. It’s not said as such, but it’s clear in the way he checks up on them and bullies them into training. The regard he’s always shown for her safety and wellbeing, however, is a far way off from the unrelenting way he just expressed his trust in her. There are two side to Kakashi; he’s one part lazy slacker and one part demanding commander. Sakura doesn’t know how to attribute what was said to either of those sides.

Overall, there’s not much to tell Kakashi’s been on a mission at all. His body is fine, despite a slightly elevated resting heart rate. The chakra system is normal, and not at all drained like Sakura guessed yesterday. There is one thing, however, that she senses as she lets her chakra flow through his body. “There’s some kind of chemical,” she says out loud, “in your blood, it’s…” Withdrawing her chakra Sakura sits back to look at him. “I’ll need to draw some samples,” she tells him, “run some tests. It might be nothing, but…” But it might be _something_ , doing some kind of damage she can’t pinpoint yet.

“No need,” Kakashi says easily, “I know what it is. It’s not dangerous.” His eyes crinkle in a smile.

Sakura knows avoidance when she hears it and narrows her eyes. “I think I’d prefer if I was the judge on that.” Technically, she could force him, but he’s about to be her Hokage, and it’s a bit messy who holds the command between a Hokage and its appointed medical-nin. Kakashi knows it too, given the way his smile dims. “It might not be doing any damage now,” Sakura reasons, “but if it’s not flushed out, it might. Not to mention it could interfere with medical treatments if you’re injured.”

A sigh is all the answer Sakura gets. That, the smile fizzling out completely, and Kakashi reaching for something in one of his flak jacket pockets. It’s a piece of paper. He came prepared for this; Sakura realizes. He knew he would be forced to share whatever it is. And he still had to try and get out of it, the slippery bastard.

The paper has well-worn creases and is covered with fine print. Sakura recognizes the outline as the user information for some kind of drug. The brand name isn’t one of recognizes, and neither is the chemical name. She skims down it. Feels her eyes lock in place and knows Kakashi will have caught it, there are few things that pass that man by. SSRIs she reads. Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. Anti-depressants. PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. A bunch of other illnesses. She knows these things go together, only not with Kakashi. Of all people, he’d be far down her list of guesses for this.

One breath, that’s what Sakura allows herself before she forces professionalism over her shock and looks up. “You want to talk about this?” she asks him, despite knowing the answer.

“No,” he says, as casual as ever, throwing in a shrug. The lack of subterfuge is telling on its own. 

I trust _you_ , he said, not half an hour ago, and Sakura draws on that knowledge now. “If you change your mind, I’m here,” she tells him. “Both as your friend, and as your physician. I could refer you to a professional if you want.”

Kakashi smirks at that, something sharp in his face Sakura’s never seen before. “I’ll be Hokage in four weeks,” he points out, “tell me how that will turn out, with this in my medical file.”

The worst part is: Sakura knows the truth of that statement. She might not fully agree, knows far too much about physiology and trauma and medicine to not recognize these things are not necessarily synonymous with weakness, but she also knows the rules of their trade. Sakura doesn’t think she’s ever met anyone above chūnin who’d see a therapist if their lives depended on it. Instead they slip by the flimsy net of medical evaluations without a decent mental component and psych evals at T&I, goes out on missions, and never returns. Sakura cleared someone like that once, despite the bad feeling twisting in her gut, because she had no mandate not to.

And it was _not talked about_. (Even if Shizune told her afterwards to not beat herself up about it; that these things happen. That there’s nothing they can do with the vast majority of ninja against them. That it’d be a bad idea to make a deal out of it anyway, because Konoha wouldn’t want to come off as weak.)

“Well,” Sakura says now, “with me then, as your friend, that wouldn’t end up on file.” Not that she’d know what to say, to Kakashi of all people, but she has to at least offer. He shouldn’t take her up on it either way.

Finding something like this out, it’s Sakura’s job to order a psych-eval, but if she orders one out of schedule for Kakashi now, there will Questions. Only, Sakura doesn’t know if the Hokage has mandatory psych-evals at all, and _she_ shouldn’t be the one to decide these things. No matter that he trusts her. No matter that this might be one of the biggest secrets she’s been told in her life. 

“Does Tsunade know?” Sakura settles on asking. It’s a start if nothing else. If the existing Hokage is aware of the situation, then surely it isn’t Sakura’s place to question it.

“Yes, to an extent.” Kakashi watches her quietly, then hums. “You’re wondering if I’m unstable,” he tells her. Sakura hates how he reads the situation so easily. At least she’s got the chakra control to stop her blood from rushing to her face and giving her away. “A fair question, I’d say,” Kakashi continues, shrugging as if he’s contemplating what would be the better choice for dinner, not discussing his own future. “But if you didn’t question my stability before, it’s hardly logical to start now.”

“This is nothing new.” Sakura feels the twitch of her eyebrows as she says it, giving away her disbelief. It’s good she has a lifetime of experience quietening the screaming voice inside her.

“Nothing but the pills,” Kakashi tells her.

Sakura finds herself nodding. I trust you, he said, and she trusts him as well. Has never been given a reason to do otherwise, despite what she just found out.

Glancing down on the paper in her hand she allows herself to get back to the practicalities. “I’ll figure out a way to register the injury-related relevant effects of this in your file,” she tells Kakashi. Her sensei. Her soon-to-be Hokage. Her patient. Who’s eating anti-depressants and claiming he doesn’t need to talk about it. _Sakura_ needs to talk about it, dammit, only she can’t. Not with anyone.

Before nightfall she knows she’ll have a headache from the way it’s all tumbling around in her head.

Kakashi meets her eyes then, and there’s a softness to his feature to contrast the seriousness of his voice as he speaks. “Thank you,” he says, the same way he did with Tsunade the day before yesterday. Things click into place in Sakura’s mind; she interpreted that conversation all wrong, she realizes. Would like to go back and hear it again knowing what she does now. If only she could ask Tsunade about it. Sometimes, patient confidentiality sure sucks. 

“Don’t mention it,” she answers. “As in seriously,” she adds with a smile, “don’t mention it. Medical-nins are not allowed to fabricate medical records.”

The laugh she gets in return is easy, and Sakura can’t put it together; the man in front of her, being who he’s always been, and the paper in her hand. “Maa,” he says, “maybe you shouldn’t tell a commanding officer about it then.” An eyebrow is raised at her.

Sakura shrugs. “I figured _this_ commanding officer was unlikely to sell me out,” she responds, deciding not to mention she’s got blackmail material. That would be unprofessional of her, and he already know anyway.

“What did I ever do to deserve getting stuck with you?” Kakashi asks, his tone longsuffering. Sakura’s heard it said to her and Naruto both enough times to know its meaning.

“I guess you have rotten luck,” she says. “Now get out of here,” she continues. Not unkind, but on the brusque side. They both need some time to think, and she’s not about to start acting all different because she knows something she didn’t an hour ago. None of them need that kind of tiptoeing in their lives.

“Yes ma’am.” Kakashi gives her a lazy, two fingered salute, stands, and walks out. “See you around,” he calls out as he closes the door behind him.

.oOo.

Sakura takes note, after that, in a way she didn’t before. It changes very little, because there’s not much to see. Kakashi’s quintessentially himself, maybe slightly more tired-looking, but that’s a maybe. More than anything, it makes her wonder what she’s _not_ seeing. What she hasn’t seen in all the time she’s known him. And also, if him, then who else?

Together with Naruto she’s gathered information about Kakashi’s mission. Sakura has a few suspicions, which she for obvious reasons can’t share, and what little Naruto finds out plays into that. Their sensei was far away, doing very little, and Tsunade put him there. Tsunade who _knows_.

Naruto already told her about the whole mess with Obito during the war, and when Kakashi was away they’d dug through the archive and found the mission report of how Obito died. Together with Naruto she’d sat, staring at the scroll before coming to the conclusion they wouldn’t open it. They know next to nothing about their sensei’s history, apart from what everyone knows, but it’s his to tell. Between them, with an inquisitiveness that’s shared despite it’s different manifestations, it might be one of their hardest decisions yet.

If put in a Venn diagram, the area where her curiosity, concern and apprehension overlap is considerably larger than Sakura would have thought before now. She’s always been driven by a need to know and understand, and as such curiosity is a huge part of her life. That wish to know, fuelled by her honest care for her sensei, does unfortunately come with an unhealthy dose of foreboding in this matter. Because Sakura might be a decorated medic-nin, but she is good with the _physical_ aspects of medicine. Not this. If things start to slip out of hand, she won’t really know what to do. And to make matters worse; this isn’t only about her friend or sensei, this is about the Hokage.

So, she watches, tries to make sense of it all without prying, and only panics a little bit. God, she wishes she could at least discuss this with Naruto.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, I lined up the worst week of new medications with PMS. My life has not been fun. It has turned around now however, and I’m happy to know it’s likely to keep getting better for a while as the antidepressants kick in for real. Life is looking up again!
> 
> Somehow, through all that, I still got this done in less than a week, and I’m feeling pretty awesome about that. Reading your comments always makes me want to publish more, (I guess I’m just a sucker for attention that way,) and I’ve gotten so much support from you since finishing WGS and starting this it makes me all mushy and soft inside.
> 
> Love to everybody!

Naruto can’t sleep. He’s restless, only he can’t come up with anything he wants to do. His kunai could use sharpening, and his kitchen needs cleaning, he but can’t find the motivation. It sounds dull, just like watching tv or reading about new jutsus or, well, whatever. He remains where he is instead, sprawled on his bed with his head hanging over the edge, watching the apartment upside down.

It’s a little weird still, that it is his apartment, only it isn’t. The house is the same place, the layout done by the original plans, the walls painted the same colour. Only the furniture is new, which is mostly a good thing, since he makes enough money by now to get himself some better stuff. Like a bed that’s not for kids. (As in; it has room for company. Although, when he’ll make that happen, or who said company would be, remains unclear.) The apartment’s a brand-new version of itself, but Naruto is the same old Naruto and he remembers his first attempt at cooking, and the scorch mark that should be on the countertop from it. Just like he knows the bannister outside his front door _should_ have a dent from where Sakura threw him into it.

It doesn’t.

Sighing, Naruto pulls himself up to a seated position. Sage mode is easier to reach every time he does it, the stillness needed something he can now achieve between one breath and the next. For the very first moment, the pulse and flow of chakra through the village is close to disorientating in its intensity, it always is with this many shinobi around. Naruto sifts through the different signatures, looking for someone he knows who’s out and about at this time. Kiba and Akamaru is traversing the roofs, but they are on guard so he can’t go bother them.

He’s just about to give up when he feels it, at the very edge of the village and high up; the static charge of Kakashi-sensei’s steady electricity. That’s a plan then; he’ll go find Kakashi and make him entertain Naruto until he can sleep. The man has been inaugurated as Hokage a few days ago, in a stiff ceremony where they all stood to attention as Kakashi accepted the hat with a serious face, but that hardly matters. After Naruto being dragged out of bed, countless times and at all hours, and told to get ready for training in five minutes flat, Kakashi owes him more than one night of sleep. Hokage or not.

The Hokage mountain has a set of stairs to the top, but Naruto hasn’t used those for years. He runs straight up the wall instead, the shift of chakra to make his feet stick second nature by now. The height doesn’t matter; he won’t fall. Popping up right in front of Kakashi-sensei, however, might get him thrown straight off, so Naruto makes sure to keep a bit of distance rounding the crest. This time he’s not a clone, after all.

Kakashi’s posture doesn’t change as Naruto comes to stand next to him, he merely glances at him before looking back out over the village. “Did you want anything?” The voice is mild, inquisitive, and sort of implying Naruto is disturbing.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto tells him, “I wasn’t aware only you were allowed to come up here and brood at night.” He had planned to goad Kakashi into sparring or something, but despite what Sakura tells him Naruto’s not a complete idiot. He can see this is not the time.

The soft yellow light trickling up from below them isn’t enough to cast shadows over Kakashi’s mask, making his face unreadable. He never answers Naruto’s challenge, allows several seconds pass by in silence instead. “What do you see?” he asks in the end, making a small gesture to the village. It sounds like the start of one of his overly complicated theory lessons, the ones that mostly makes Naruto frustrated.

“The village,” Naruto shrugs, “houses, people.” He wonders what kind of an answer Kakashi’s looking for, there’s usually a specific one Naruto’s supposed to come up with. He never understood why Kakashi doesn’t simply tell it to him straight away instead.

Kakashi stuffs his hands into his pockets. “Sure,” he says, “but what do _you_ see? That makes you want to be Hokage?” There’s something in Kakashi’s voice just then, something Naruto has no word for but that makes him think maybe this isn’t a lesson for him. Maybe it’s a lesson for Kakashi. Or something.

Looking out over the village, Naruto tries to formulate an answer. Below him, the lights go out in a few more windows, the inhabitants turning in for the night. “At first,” he tells Kakashi, “it was about respect. They’d had to respect me if I was Hokage.” There’s a sting remaining, when he thinks of those years, of how this village has feared and mistreated him. “Then,” he continues, preferring not to linger on the thought, “I realized that you don’t become Hokage and then you get respect, it’s the opposite way around. So, then I wanted to become Hokage to prove that I had their respect, you know?”

In the corner of his eyes, Naruto can see Kakashi turn to watch him. He sends the man a small smile. “I’ve realized since then,” he says, “that I don’t need to be made Hokage to know that.” For a fleeting second the village’s celebration of him after he’d met with Nagato springs to Naruto’s mind. That day; coming back to see the village like that, to feel the devastating lack of a certain chakra, to see the utter devastation, had been one of the worst in Naruto’s life. It had ended alright though, and the celebration is one of his all-time highs. It’s weird how something so good could come out of something so horrible.

“And now?” Kakashi asks, his attention still on Naruto.

“Now,” Naruto says, feeling his answer out as he says it, “I want to help make it all better. Fight for those who can’t. Try to give the next generation a whole life without a single war.” The words feel important, heavy, like they’re pulling him down more firmly on the ground. It makes him smile. “And I want to be like my dad,” he says, “and live in the Hokage mansion. It seems sweet.”

“Maa,” Kakashi says, and Naruto can’t see the smile, but he can hear it, “I find it overrated, you can have it.” Naruto snaps his head to the side, staring at Kakashi, that’s… “Only,” the man continues, “I think the council would string me up by my toes, so maybe not.”

Naruto hangs his head. “Mean,” he says, putting a hurt in his voice he doesn’t really feel, “getting my hopes up like that.”

“You’ll get your chance eventually,” Kakashi says. It makes Naruto smile for the simple reason that it’s confirmation: It will be his one day.

Unlike Kakashi, Naruto isn’t good at that whole saying things without saying them dance. Nor is he very good at not speaking his mind at all, and Kakashi _was_ the one to bring the topic up. “Why don’t you want it?” Naruto asks. The question’s been rolling around in his mind ever since the fiasco in Land of Iron, but there hasn’t been an opportunity, not until now. Whatever difference it makes now, when Kakashi already holds the title.

Usually, when Kakashi doesn’t want to answer something, he’ll wield sarcasm or vagueness like kunai; precisely and without room for discussion. This time, the silence stretches for so long Naruto thinks Kakashi is pretending not to have heard him. When he finally sighs, it’s muted, expressed more by the movement of his shoulders than sound. “If we were at war,” Kakashi shakes his head, turns to Naruto. “I did well in Anbu for a reason, you know?”

Naruto don’t know, but he doesn’t dare say that. Not when Kakashi’s answering his question. Not when there’s a darkness in his sensei’s eyes that Naruto can’t fully tribute to the night surrounding them. “I’m good at fighting and carrying out mission, I know how to lead a team, or an army,” Kakashi tells Naruto, “and in Anbu nothing else matter. Is discouraged, in fact.” Kakashi turns back to the village. Naruto wonders, for the first time, what being in Anbu is like. He’s never seriously considered it for himself, not when he needs to build up his own name if he’s becoming Hokage. Slipping into the shadows wearing a cold porcelain mask never seemed worth the kind of interesting missions it might bring. Not when it doesn’t even come with bragging rights.

“They picked me,” Kakashi says, voice low, “because I’ve got a famous name and are a good commander. But we are not at war. This village don’t need someone to lead them in battle, it needs someone to lead them in everyday life, and in peace. A politician, and a diplomat, and someone who can help mend what was broken and build on this new alliance.” Catching Naruto’s eyes, Kakashi folds his brow into a smile. “You’ll do great at it, I think,” he says, and for a full moment Naruto can’t breathe because his chest is so full of warm fuzz, “if I don’t mess it up before then.”

Which takes Naruto right back down on earth again. Any floatiness remaining is more a sudden feeling of tethers coming loose and leaving him to drift. Sure, he suspected there might be more than pure laziness and a hatred for administrative work to Kakashi’s unwillingness to accept the hat, but this is far beyond anything he’d ever imagined. Naruto is at a complete loss for words. His sensei isn’t supposed to sound this unsure, to doubt himself this way. Naruto doesn’t know what to do with that. How to respond. “You won’t,” he settles on.

Kakashi snorts. “And now I know why you shouldn’t lie,” he says. Naruto has no idea what he’s talking about.

“I’m not lying,” he tells Kakashi, just in case that’s what was suggested. “I really think so, you know. And you said I’ll be good at it, so I should know.” 

“Will be,” Kakashi says, drawing dry normalcy to his voice, “as in a future version of you. Don’t let it get to your head or it might self-inflate and get to big for the stupid hat.”

“Nah,” Naruto answers, allowing the deflection, “it won’t be a problem. I can always make a bigger hat.” He grins at Kakashi, but the feeling doesn’t go all the way to this core. There’s a small ball of worry sitting there now, and a hefty amount of thoughts he has yet to finish thinking.

“Maa,” Naruto can hear Kakashi’s smile in his voice, “I don’t know how the village will feel about a chibi Hokage. I’m not sure they’d see the humour in it the way I would.”

They toss a few more bantering comments back and forth. Naruto’s unsure whether to be relieved Kakashi seems more like himself again, or unhappy they never finished the conversation that mattered. Things he doesn’t know how to say still itches on his tongue. He wants to tell Kakashi that it’s okay, that he’ll be fine because he’s smart and what he doesn’t already know, he’ll figure out. Only, they’ve left that part behind, and Naruto feels it might be better to leave it there. Kakashi seems fine again, like himself, and it would be dumb to drag him back down. Right?

.oOo.

Sakura’s had a late shift at the hospital. She’s tired, and in desperate need of a shower, and by the looks of it, it’ll have to wait. The reason being Naruto, sitting on a low wall outside the staff entrance as Sakura steps out into the cool night air. He looks up at her, irises yellow and eyes wrapped in orange. Sakura’s heart makes a double tap, because sage mode usually means trouble. He must see it on her face, because he shakes his head with a smile. “Just training, Sakura-chan,” he says, “since you’re late.”

Pointing out her shift only ended half an hour ago, and he can hardly complain since she didn’t know he was here, will get Sakura exactly nowhere. She cuts that bit out instead, with the hope it’ll get her home faster. “Was it something you wanted?” she asks, and it comes out a bit more annoyed than tired, but Naruto doesn’t let that stop him. Never has, and probably never will.

“Can I walk with you home?” The question makes Sakura blink. She’s a kunoichi, a chūnin to Naruto’s genin, and she hardly needs someone to walk her home because it’s dark out. “I know you’re tired,” Naruto goes on, “but I wanted to talk to you and this way it won’t take out of your time.”

Naruto stands, shuffling his feet and Sakura feels a cloying apprehension. He looks like when he was twelve, fan-boying over her and trying to make her go on a date, and they got past that stage years ago. Or at least so she thought. In her silence, he raises his head, and there’s no trace of a blush on his cheeks. Sakura exhales. “Okay,” she says.

They get two full blocks from the hospital before Naruto speaks. “Sorry,” he says, “had to wait for the patrol to pass by on the roof.” The sage mode is still active, and maybe that’s why; so he can make sure no one is around to overhear. It makes Sakura anxious again. Naruto’s usually not very secretive, usually screams his thoughts from the rooftops for any who will listen, usually never gnaws his lips in thought while glancing at her the way he does now.

“I saw Kakashi-sensei earlier,” Naruto starts, voice low, “and I… he was…” Sakura might be tired, might want her shower and her bed, but she stops at that. Turns fully to Naruto. “Do you think he’s okay?” Naruto asks, his eyes wide under the streetlight.

For the full span of a second, Sakura curses the fact that she’s Kakashi’s physician and that there is such a thing as patient confidentiality. Fucking shit. She _needs_ to talk to Naruto about this, for both their sakes, but where is the line here? What are her observations as Sakura, and what is medical findings and covered by confidentiality? When Kakashi said ‘I trust you’, what exactly did he mean? Rubbing her face, Sakura bites back on any inappropriate words. “I don’t know,” she says instead. That at least can’t be a violation of any code of conduct. “I honestly don’t know.”

And she doesn’t, really, but at the same time; Naruto even asking this question sort of answers it.

“Yeah,” Naruto says, without pressing her.

They stand in silence for a few seconds, sharing the orange bubble of the streetlight and trying to gather their thoughts. “What happened?” Sakura asks in the end. She might not be able to share what she knows, but Naruto isn’t bound by any oaths and he sought her out.

“I was bored,” Naruto says, scraping his toe against the ground, “and I looked for someone who was up, you know, and I found him on the top of the Hokage mountain.” Sakura manages to stop herself before words tumble out of her already open mouth. Naruto’s eyes snaps to her, and he hold out his hands, palms out. “Not like that,” he hurries, “jeez Sakura. He was just, brooding, you know?”

Forming a fist, Sakura punches Naruto’s arm, not hard enough to injure but not far from it either. “Don’t scare me like that.” She wants to scream it, but doesn’t. Hisses instead to not draw attention to them. That Naruto saw where her mind went is _not good_. She’s not supposed to let on that she knows Kakashi is anything but fine. He’s totally not eating anti-depressants, nor is he possibly falling apart behind that stubborn mask of his. Nope. And sure, he said he wasn’t more unstable now than before, but that isn’t enough to convince Sakura.

Rubbing his arm, Naruto glares at her. “I’m not sure if you got the memo,” he says, “but medic-nin aren’t supposed to hurt people.”

“I’m a kunoichi,” Sakura reminds him, “I’m pretty sure hurting people is in my job description. Now get back on subject; what does ‘brooding’ mean?”

At first, it looks like Naruto is going to smart-mouth her, but he visibly reigns it in and settles back down. “I don’t know, staring out at the village, asking me why I want to be Hokage, stuff like that.” Bringing his hands up to meet behind his neck, Naruto keeps his elbows tightly together in front of him and looks down. “So I asked him why he doesn’t, you know?” The continuation Sakura waits for never comes. Naruto sighs instead, and lets his arms down. “I think I messed up in answering him,” he admits, “but I honestly had no idea what to say, and then he was back to normal all of a sudden, and I didn’t want to mess with that, and…”

“You,” Sakura can’t help the disbelief in her voice, “didn’t know what to say?” A frown crosses over Naruto’s face, pulling his eyebrows down and together and changing the tilt of his whisker marks. “I’m just saying,” Sakura defends herself, “you always now what to say when it matters. I mean look at Nagato, or Obito; it wasn’t supposed to be possible to talk them around.” There’re more examples, spread out over the years. Zabuza, Gaara, Tsunade, the list goes on; Naruto has a way with words that makes people listen.

“Yeah,” Naruto scratches at his neck, “but then I was angry. They were being idiots and it pissed me off. This was different.” 

Sakura is tired. Really tired, and she blames that for why she starts to giggle. When she’s started, she can’t stop. It’s not even very funny. Maybe this is what a nervous breakdown feels like, she has the time to think before she manages to pull herself together. Maybe not then. “Shit,” she says when she’s got her voice back under control, “what do we do?”

Naruto shakes his head. “I have no clue,” he says.

There’s no one they could turn to, even without the whole complication of patient confidentiality and Kakashi’s trust. Tsunade has left and won’t be back for months, possibly not until the summer. Kakashi is friends with some people, first and foremost Gai, but Sakura can’t see that conversation going well. Then there’s only Naruto and her left, and they are Kakashi’s friends, but also his students, making their whole relationship slightly skewed. It could be righted, maybe, but Sakura doesn’t know _how_.

“We’ll just have to stick around, I guess,” Sakura finally says, “and keep our eyes open. Make sure he knows we’re here if he needs help.”

“What?” Naruto questions. “Pretend like everything’s normal?”

It doesn’t feel good, but Sakura has nothing else. “You’ve got any other ideas?” she challenges, and watches Naruto deflate.

“Not really, no,” he says. “Although maybe it’s not so bad,” a small smile is forced over his lips, “I mean, that’s how he seems to want to do it, isn’t it? And maybe I can get him to train with me a little more, to draw him out of his mind?”

“Yeah.” Sakura nods. Naruto makes an excellent point, after all; Kakashi does seem the prefer dealing with emotions by pretending they doesn’t exist. Who are they to force him to do it differently? “We’ll just make sure to stick around,” she says, “and if he wants to talk, we can try to be prepared next time.” Not that she has any idea what to prepare for, but with Naruto nodding vigorously she doesn’t point it out. Why rain on his parade if she can avoid it.

“Definitely,” Naruto says. “Believe it!”

It’s not the best plan Sakura had laid out, but it’s _a_ plan. For the two of them, meaning she’s not completely alone in this anymore. That’s something, at least.


	4. Chapter 4

Naruto has bad days sometimes, okay? But it doesn’t _matter_ , so no one needs to know. He can schedule them too – make sure they never interfere with his work – so it’s not something to be concerned about.

Ever since he was a kid, Naruto has preferred to not feel the bad stuff. Surely, everyone works like that? Only, Naruto might have had more than his fair share of bad stuff when he was little, and maybe that’s why things are still this way. He’d gotten into a habit then that he hasn’t been able to break, even ten years later and surrounded by friends.

The thing is, Naruto makes the choice. Almost every day. He chooses laughter and happiness and life, and refuses to allow anything to bring him down. He chooses his friends and dreams, training and joking and hanging out. He chooses not to stop; because every choice he makes means something else gets _unchosen_ , but that doesn’t mean they disappear. They follow him instead, a little behind him, and stopping would mean letting them catch up.

It works, for months on end. Longer sometimes when he needs it too or when the bad things are fewer. Eventually, however, it always turns out the same. With Naruto walking with a full-on thunderstorm nipping at his heels, threatening to overtake him if he so much as stumbles. He’s learnt to recognize it forming, feel when it draws closer, and to put it in his schedule. A day is enough, or an afternoon and evening if he doesn’t let it get too bad.

Only once, has Naruto failed in his planning. Or rather, has the storm brewed so quickly and completely overwhelming that he’d had no chance of holding it off. In Land of Iron, with Kakashi and Yamato standing behind him in the snow. That time he fainted, and of course that meant they forced him to the hospital when he got home. The medic-nin couldn’t find anything wrong with him, and wrote it off as a one time panic attack. Mostly because Naruto told her, very truthfully, that it had never happened before and that he’d come back if it happened again. Which it hasn’t, since he hasn’t fainted any other time.

They’re a week into November, and Naruto’s felt it for a while; ghosting against the back of his neck, aching between his shoulder blades. Naruto’s plan for today was sparring with Kakashi-sensei in the morning, come home tired, lie down on the floor, and stay there until the storm passed. Only Kakashi is caught up in some important Hokage business and sent Pakkun to let Naruto know he needed to cancel.

Naruto finds Lee instead, and it’s actually a better physical workout. They have ramen afterwards, and Naruto laughs and jokes, and it’s not for show. It really isn’t, because it’s a choice; he’s having lunch with a friend, and he’s happy. Afterwards, Naruto walks through sunny streets bustling with people back to his apartment, and Konoha is beautiful and alive, back to itself at last.

When he was a kid, Naruto used to hide. In a closet, under his bed, locked in a bathroom. Since moving to his own apartment he’s stopped with that, flops down on the floor instead. His apartment isn’t fancy enough for soft tatami, and the hardwood is cold and unrelenting. It feels good. Grounding in a way his bed or couch cannot achieve. Not to mention it’s alright to lie here without having showered. 

Stopping has nothing to do with cessation of movement, Naruto can run in his mind with his body immobile. Luckily, or sage mode would be tricky to reach. It means, however, that even like this, worn out and resting, it takes time for him to settle down into his own body. He knows meditation of course, they teach it at the academy, but it’s possible to use meditation to run as well. It’s probably not supposed to work like that, Naruto thinks, but since when does anything work like it’s supposed to when it comes to him? And besides, meditation the way he learnt it is about being in his body. It’s about _not_ thinking about things. If that’s not running Naruto doesn’t know what is.

Time loses its meaning. He’s shut Kurama out completely, because he doesn’t want to lose the kyūbi’s respect and trust. Nor does he want to deal with either pity or judgement, the latter being more likely. The ceiling above Naruto is white, the shadows creeping across it as he blanks out his mind. Relaxes. Slows down. Pokes carefully at the twisting mass of darkness that sits ever-present in his chest. It’s swollen and throbbing, vicious and cloying when Naruto dares to ease up on its restraints. He takes a careful breath then; with the feel of the first raindrops like needles against his skin, with the crackle of electricity in the air chasing goose bumps over his skin. He takes a breath, and he turns around, and walks towards what he has tried to keep behind him. Steps into the storm.

Because at some point, walking into is easier than running from. Because eventually, it’s better to change course and get through to see the sunlight on the other side.

It’s okay that Naruto can’t really feel his arms and legs, and that he’s shaky and has tears in his eyes. He’s in his own apartment, and no one is coming. Ino-Shika-Cho is on border patrol, Kiba on an escort mission, Sakura and Kakashi is working, and anyone else would knock on his door and go away if he doesn’t answer. It’s fine that the air feels heavy and his chest locked up by some paralyzing jutsu.

In a way it’s a relief. To let go. To stop running for a little while. To let this storm pass and know there’s some downtime before the next one.

Drawing his curtain hadn’t crossed Naruto’s mind. No one is coming, and the shaft of sunlight is his one remaining connection to the world. He wants it. Shinobi might be able to run on walls, but speed is part of what makes it easy and they know better than to spy through random windows anyway. Only, there’s suddenly a thump on Naruto’s windowsill, the muted sound of a ninja being polite enough to advertise their presence.

Adrenaline surges through Naruto’s bloodstream, tugging at his chakra and speeding up his heart. He swallows, trying to chase away the dryness in his mouth, and forces his head to fall to the side. The tears will show, but it’s alright to cry sometimes when you’re alone. Kakashi-sensei is perched on the windowsill, eyebrows drawn together and head cocked. That’s not good, but not worst-case scenario either. The man knows to let things be; he’ll leave and pretend this never happened. It’s okay if Kakashi thinks Naruto is a little sad, because he’ll never know the full situation. Won’t find out from that quick look that Naruto doesn’t know how to stand up, and isn’t sure he could figure it out even if Kaguya herself stepped into his apartment.

Kakashi blinks, and Naruto expects a shunshin. Instead, he pulls out a kunai, jams it between the window and the frame, and twists to slide the window open. If he wasn’t so busy panicking over other stuff, Naruto would be upset about his window frame. The metal will have damages now; his landlord will go nuts. However, compared to Kakashi’s hand pushing the window open, the man jumping lightly into the room and sliding the window closed behind him, any possible trouble with Naruto’s landlord feels far away.

Without so much as a glass pane to separate them, Kakashi is probably able to tell the rabbit fast pace of Naruto’s heart. See the sheen of sweat on his forehead and the goose bumps on his arms. Catch the tremor running through Naruto as he swallows back rising bile. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Everything stalls. Naruto can’t think. His head is spinning and it’s not usually this bad but someone is right here. Kakashi. And this is a thing someone might only get away with once under special circumstances. Not twice. Not unprovoked on one’s living room floor. Not in front of the _Hokage_. “What,” Naruto manages, despite the way Kakashi’s eyes seem to suck the oxygen from the air, “are you doing?”

Leaning with his back against the window, Kakashi hums. “I was going to see if you wanted to train now,” he says, “but I see it’s not the time.”

“I’m fine,” Naruto throws back. He’ll just need a minute, might be able to backtrack out of this and get functional again if he just…

Kakashi shakes his head. “No,” he says. “And you don’t have to be.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. You can go.” Naruto can’t think, but he knows these are the important things.

“Maybe not,” Kakashi’s voice is even, his face unreadable. “I’d rather stay though, if it’s all the same to you.”

It’s not all the same to Naruto. Kakashi shouldn’t be here. He definitely shouldn’t want to stay. Maybe he only wants to confirm Naruto’s instability before relieving him from duty. “You don’t have to,” Naruto’s proud of how steady his voice sounds. “I’m fine.”

“I think we covered that part.” Naruto can’t even tell if Kakashi’s vice holds scorn or pity. Has to be one of the two, however. “Can I come over there?”

The response is as automatic as it is improper. “You’re the Hokage,” Naruto says harshly, “you can do whatever you want to do.” He turns his face away, his pulse loud in his ears.

“I’m not here as the Hokage,” the words are followed by a pause. “Unless you say no, I’m going to take it as a yes.”

This is all fucked up. A complete disaster. Unsalvageable too, at this point. Kakashi is not stupid. _If_ this is Kakashi. He’s not supposed to react like this. It feels like Kakashi, is a good henge if it isn’t. Naruto doesn’t even know which is better. A skilled, potentially dangerous imposter, or his actual sensei. The former at least won’t take his career away. Although possibly his life, which isn’t very good either. Shit, Naruto just wants to be able to slow his brain down. Grasp his thoughts and think them properly.

There’s movement at Naruto’s side. “I’m going to touch you.” It’s spoken without an ounce of threat in the voice, not a whiff of killer intent or swirling anger to trigger Naruto’s alarm system. Fingers brush against Naruto’s wrist before a hand grabs it. Twisting his arm around Naruto wraps his own fingers around the other’s arm, presses his finger tops against chakra pathways and pulls on memories of natural energy to sense the steady flow. Unmistakably Kakashi. Unexpectedly calm. For some reason, that’s what tips Naruto the rest of the way over the edge. This can’t be Kakashi.

“Should I get Sakura? Or some other medic-nin?” Naruto recognizes the question as an important one. Shakes his head. “I’m not…” Kakashi argues.

Forcing words out, Naruto interrupts him. “It,” he manages, “will pass.” As he says it, he realizes it’s an admittance of this happening. Letting go of the wrist he turns to his side, back to Kakashi. Can’t have his face in plain view like that.

The thing is, Kakashi already knows. Can see the shaking. Will have caught the unevenness of Naruto’s breath. Nothing can change that now. The consequences will come, no matter what. So maybe it doesn’t matter; if Kakashi already knows, and is choosing to stay, and Naruto is screwed either way, then maybe for once in his life he can have this. Maybe he doesn’t have to hold on to the ghost sensation of fingers around his wrist while pretending this isn’t happening.

“If there’s something I can do,” Kakashi starts, and Naruto goes with it. He keeps his eyes firmly closed as he turns over, presses the bridge of his nose against his sensei’s knee to hide his face a best he can, fists a hand in the sturdy fabric of loose shinobi pants right before they’re wrapped in place around Kakashi’s shins.

A hand settles on Naruto’s shoulder, making small circles over his shoulder blade. Naruto is tired of clinging to his dignity, of trying to stand firm as a tornado is raging around him. Giving in, he lets the storm take him. Feels the world slipping away, becoming three points of contact and Kakashi’s voice saying things he can’t quite process.

There might be hell to pay later, but that is a given either way now. As selfish as it is, he should take what he can while it’s offered.

.oOo.

Naruto filters back in to the realization the room is silent. He aches. His whole being hurts, even places he’s certain doesn’t have the physical ability to do so. Kakashi’s still right there, a calm presence Naruto can’t quite comprehend. This is not how things like these happen. Understanding is someone knowing to leave you alone. Support is Iruka sitting on the other half of a park bench, telling Naruto to not be sad, and sharing a twin ice popsicle. So where does that leave Kakashi, and the memory of him telling Naruto that it’s okay, that _this_ is okay?

“You with me?” Kakashi asks, tone as smooth as ever but with an uncharacteristic softness. Naruto thinks of pretending he hasn’t heard, doesn’t want this small in-between pocket of tranquillity taken away, but doubt and worry is already nibbling at its edges from the question alone. He nods against Kakashi’s knee.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto says. His voice feels raspy and wet at the same time.

“Don’t be,” Kakashi tells him. If he dared, Naruto would look at his face, try to figure out what he is thinking. He lies still instead, expecting Kakashi’s hand on his shoulder to withdraw and the man to move away. It doesn’t happen. Naruto swallows back a lump in his throat that has a very different feel to it than the previous one.

The floor is freezing, but Naruto tries to ignore the cold. If Kakashi catches it, he might force him to move. With that comes acknowledging the situation, and the world in general, and the end of Naruto’s career. It’s simply better not to be cold to begin with.

“This has happened before.” Kakashi doesn’t phrase it as a question. Says it straight out as if it’s a normal conversation.

Had Naruto had the energy, he’d have tensed. “Yeah,” he admits instead, with hardly a whisper but knowing Kakashi will have head. There’s no point lying now, it will only make things worse.

“Often?” The voice is thoughtful, and Naruto is still looking for either pity or judgement but hasn’t found it yet. He has no idea what to make of this.

The shrug he tries for is awkward with his position. “A few times a year maybe,” he tells Kakashi, “it varies.”

The next part, however, is important. It’s his one chance to do damage control, and Naruto needs to look like he means it. Show that this doesn’t have to be a dead stop for him as a shinobi. It’s enough to drive him to push himself up to a seated position. To move away from the contact with his sensei and force stability into his eyes and voice as he speaks, “I can control it though,” Naruto says, meeting Kakashi’s gaze, “I swear. It’s not interfering with work or anything, and…”

“Stop.” The word nearly makes Naruto flinch. He hadn’t expected his explanations to pan out, but he hadn’t expected to be brushed of so easily either. Kakashi doesn’t look angry though, merely raises an eyebrow as he continues speaking. “I’m not questioning your abilities as a shinobi.”

“Yeah,” Naruto says, nodding but knowing that of course Kakashi is doing just that, “okay. But I swear, it _won’t_ happen on duty, it never has, apart from that time in Land of Iron and that was,” he hesitates. “Different. You know? But other than that, I’m good, I can schedule it on my off days.” The break is only meant to be for a quick breath, but Kakashi cuts in before Naruto can continue.

“You’re not listening to me.” He sounds firm now, and Naruto feels his stomach twist as Kakashi’s hands find his lower arms. This is it then. He blew it. He’s so tired though, and how was he supposed to manage this when his brain feels like mud. “You don’t have to convince me to keep you on duty,” Kakashi continues, and Naruto struggles to catch the meaning of that. “It would be more than a little hypocritical of me to doubt you as a shinobi based on the fact that you have bad days.”

Naruto blinks. “What?” His voice is too loud in his own ears, echoing in his skull.

“You heard me,” Kakashi says, and Naruto did, only he can’t have. Surely Kakashi doesn’t have bad days, not like this, because he’s supposed to be steady. Unflappable. He keeps his head on his shoulders and continues functioning through everything. He’s the one Naruto can always rely on for that. It’s what Naruto’s trying (and failing) to live up to here. 

“Yeah, but…” Even as he starts Naruto knows it’s not quite true and stops himself. He has seen Kakashi freeze in the field, knows his sensei has spent far too many hours staring at names carved into hard cold stone.

The hands fall from Naruto’s arms to rest on Kakashi’s knees. The man turns his head to the side and sighs. “I spent days on end,” he tells Naruto’s kitchen, “not to long ago, not able to get out of bed.” There’s a faraway quality to his voice Naruto doesn’t know what to do with. It resonates painfully with the ache in his body. “I’m hardly going to bench _you_ for _this_ ,” Kakashi turns back to Naruto, “not if you say you’ve got it covered. Besides,” he shrugs, “if I started, I’d probably have to put half my jōnin on forced medical leave.”

Kakashi rubs his eyes, a deep weariness in his every line. The same feeling is clinging to him that Naruto had felt up at the Hokage mountain, weeks ago. He’s just as unable to name it now as he was back then. Before Naruto can gather his thoughts enough to say something about it though, Kakashi continues. “You look like shit,” he says, “and I’d recommend a shower if you’re up for one?”

Going to sleep sounds more tempting at the moment, but Naruto’s sticky with dried sweat and tears, and he suspects there’s twigs and leaves tangled up in his hair from when Lee threw him through a bush. Not to mention it rained last night, leaving the ground soggy. The shower will also be warm.

Naruto allows Kakashi to guide him to his feet, not because he needs it, but because the hand was already right there, hovering in front of his face, and it seemed easier to take it. “Will you be here?” he blurts out once on his feet, cursing his tendency to let thoughts run unfiltered to his mouth. “When I get out,” he clarifies, mostly to the floor and with burning cheeks. He really needs to learn to keep himself in check.

“Unless someone sets the village on fire worse than regular patrols can handle, sure.” The laidback answer thugs a quick smile to Naruto’s lips. He moves to go to the bathroom, but is stopped by Kakashi’s voice. “I’d like to give you a hug,” Kakashi says. Perfectly serious, placid, but also with a tilt to his head and a question in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” Naruto tells him, unsure what brought this on now. The worst is over, Kakashi doesn’t have to worry. “I don’t need…” he can’t bring himself to say the word. Wants to take his earlier words and stuff them back in his mouth, or, since that’s impossible, at least escape into the bathroom.

Grey hair sway as Kakashi shakes his head. “The first one is a lie,” he notes dryly, “and the second one doesn’t answer my question.” Naruto comes very close to tell him he never asked a question in the first place, but decides against it. 

“Um,” Naruto eloquently manages. This whole thing is weird, okay, it’s not like he knows how to react.

To his bewilderment Kakashi huffs out something that can only be a short laugh. Not in a mean way, exactly, but he does _laugh_ and it makes Naruto feel like freaking out just a little bit. Or a big bit, since he’s already doing the little bit. “I’m sorry,” Kakashi says, “I’m reminded of a friend.”

“What friend?” Naruto asks. If he derails this conversation he might not have to think about himself at all, or Kakashi’s offer. Hugs are… something mothers give, maybe. And Sakura sometimes, but she’s different. People with mums probably get someone sitting with them while they’re sad, and hugs to make things better, but Naruto doesn’t honestly know. It’s what he’d been wishing for, however, when he was still young enough to entertain such futilities; a mother to hold him as he cried. Kakashi is definitely not a mum, or a parent, or older brother. He’s Kakashi-sensei. Naruto doesn’t know what to make out of any of this.

“Someone I met when I was away,” Kakashi answers without actually giving any information. “And you need to work on your subterfuge.” Reaching out he thugs on Naruto’s jacket arm. “Now come here.”

And Naruto goes. He’s conditioned to trust and obey Kakashi since he was twelve, after all. Basically his whole life, and the man hasn’t led him astray yet.

The hug is as warm and soft as Sakura’s can be, when she’s stopped squeezing to punish him for making her worry. In a way, the jōnin-vest makes things easier, allowing for a small distance that Kakashi doesn’t create. Because he hugs full on, apparently, without the need to dunk Naruto in the back. Like a mother would. Which Naruto will never so much as breath out loud, or Kakashi will kill him.

“If you’re ever going to take an advice from someone older and wiser;” Kakashi says softly, “then don’t try to do it all yourself.” Naruto can feel his inhalation in his chest. “Trust me when I say it’s not worth it.”

The words bring a lot of questions that Naruto doesn’t quite dare to voice. He’s curious, but also aware of the precariousness of this situation, and reluctant to mess up. Being told he’s not to do it alone could be an offer, although it’s probably not and he should reign that though back in. Better not get his hopes up. Kakashi isn’t acting at all like Naruto would have thought, or like what he’s seen of the man in the past; what’s to say it’ll stay this way? “Noted,” he simply says out loud.

“Good,” Kakashi breaks the hug and folds his eyes into a smile. “Now get your stinking ass into the shower.” He shoves Naruto towards the bathroom and Naruto can’t help a small protest. It’s nobody’s fault but Kakashi’s that he isn’t already there. 

.oOo.

Kakashi’s seated on the floor by the couch as Naruto steps out of the bathroom. The book in his hand is not Icha-Icha, and it’s happening every now and then lately that Naruto sees him with something like this. He hasn’t gotten any decent answers about it so far, apart from them being a gift, and now Naruto wonders if they are from the same friend mentioned earlier. If that person is the reason Kakashi gets that dark look in his eyes sometimes, Naruto doesn’t like them very much.

Mindful of the couch springs Naruto settles down before lifting his legs over Kakashi and stretching out on the sofa. There’s a blanket bunched up in the corner, and he drags that over himself. Kakashi flips a page and continues reading in silence. “If you’re going to pretend-read you shouldn’t flip pages backwards,” Naruto can’t help but tell him.

“Maa,” Kakashi drags it out. “It’s written backwards. It’s hardly my fault.” His eyes never leave the page, a small smile visible in the crinkles around his eyes and the set of his jaw under the mask.

“What is it about?”

“People.” Kakashi’s focus remains on the book. Naruto sighs demonstratively.

“Yeah,” he says, “obviously, but what’s the plot? Is it some dumb romance like Icha-Icha?”

“Icha-Icha is not dumb,” Kakashi looks up from his books to raise an eyebrow at Naruto. After hours practicing in front of the mirror Naruto’s able to answer back in kind. “It’s not romance,” Kakashi finally relents, “it’s about a girl taking a job at a small spaceship and getting to know the multi-species crew. But really, it’s about people.”

“Is it any good?” Not that Naruto thinks it sounds like much fun, but he knows how to do small talk. Besides, the way Kakashi tilts his head in thought is interesting in its own right.

“Very,” is all Kakashi says before returning to his reading.

Silence falls for a while, but Naruto’s okay with that. The achiness only eased marginally with the shower, and the tiredness got worse. He’s thinking about letting sleep take him for a while when Kakashi speaks. “Does anyone else know?” he asks. Naruto doesn’t have to wonder what he’s getting at, but he’d hoped they could quietly pretend not to remember what put them in this position.

“Not really,” he answers in the end, knowing Kakashi won’t let lies or deflections fly. Better get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Kakashi hums. “You might want to consider talking to Sakura,” he says. “She’d be able to hear it, I think.” It’s a stupid idea, or at least that’s Naruto’s first thought. Sakura could get it in her mind to report him for additional psych evals, which Naruto always passes, but still. Or she could go ballistic in any number of directions. Kakashi sounds convinced, however, and that alone means Naruto should at least consider it.

“Also,” Kakashi continues when it’s clear Naruto doesn’t intend to answer, “when you schedule your next thing like this?” Grey eyes look up to meet Naruto’s, and Naruto fight down the urge to turn away. “I’d prefer to be here, if it’s all the same to you.” Naruto blinks, trying to make sense of what he’s being told. “No obligations,” Kakashi finishes.

There’s a sting in Naruto’s eyes, and shinobi don’t show tears, but it’s different if they’re not sad, right? Although he’s not entirely sure they’re not sad, with the way his chest is hurting. Swallowing around his thick throat, Naruto gives up on speaking and only nods. That’s…

That’s…

This is not how Naruto has ever even dreamed something like this could go. Best case scenario has always been to be ignored, to have someone turn a blind eye and walk away without repercussions. This is…

“Sleep kiddo,” Kakashi tells him, resting a hand on Naruto’s foot for a second. The endearment should feel strange, but it doesn’t. It does make Naruto wonder if having had a parent would have been anything like this. “I’ll wake you up for dinner.”

And damn, Naruto really needs to stop comparing Kakashi to his mental picture of a mum; if anything, that is a clear sign he’s not completely sane at the moment.

With Kakashi’s focus returning to his book, Naruto tries to make any kind of sense of _any_ of this. He’s mostly failing. Maybe Kakashi is right, and Sakura could help him sort it through, she’s good like that, but he can’t exactly tell Sakura about this. Because while he wants to talk about Kakashi – acting like this, sharing things like not being able to get up from bed –he has no idea how to get there without talking about himself. And the storm. And it’s better if no one knows about that. Right?

At least it’s supposed to be better if no one knows, or it was before Kakashi came around to challenge it. Which, sure, the man has a way of enjoying pulling one over on everyone, but this is a bit much. Naruto feels completely blind-sided by this. ‘I’d prefer to be here,’ he told Naruto, and it was never in Naruto’s wildest imagination a choice to _not_ be alone for this. To have someone around who rubbed his shoulder and told him he was allowed to feel like this. To hug him, afterwards, like everything was going to be okay. Like the storm didn’t even matter, and was simply another thing to do on a Thursday afternoon.

Naruto has always figured his storms need to be dealt with in secrecy and isolation. That even if a few selected people might find out, they’d leave him to sort it out.

There are people Naruto trusts, friends that he technically knows wouldn’t turn him in to the psych people. Sakura for one, Shikamaru, maybe Chōji, Lee, and Hinata. But things like this make people uncomfortable, and Naruto hates people being uncomfortable around him. The worst thing he can imagine is his friends throwing him looks or being awkward or overly careful. He doesn’t want judgement or pity, to either be scorned or treated as if he might break at any time. And so, best case scenario was always to be ignored.

Only so far, Kakashi doesn’t seem to be reacting like anything Naruto anticipated.

After this, Naruto knows he’ll keep an eye open for signs of Kakashi falling to one of the two; tiptoeing or looking down on him. When it happens, Naruto knows it’ll be devastating. This far, he hasn’t seen either though – because this is _caring_ , Naruto is decently certain, no matter how odd that feels.

Naruto falls asleep despite the way his mind is spinning, and wakes an unclear amount of time later to Kakashi holding a takeout container from Ichiraku under Naruto’s nose. Sitting up, he finds the worst of the ache is gone, and decides to be fine. As Kakashi pretends to suffer and Naruto speaks about the awesomeness of ramen, being positive gets easier for every second. Happiness is a choice that he intends to continue making. The next storm feels far away now, not even visible on the horizon, and Naruto can figure out if (and how) to deal with Kakashi’s offer as it draws nearer. Why borrow problems from his future self, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that Naruto so obviously have a full blow panic attack in Land of Iron has always been a thing for me. Especially the way everyone pretends he just fainted or whatever and it’s never mentioned again. I always figured something like that might not be the one-off they dismiss it as. And really, shinobi dealing with mental health and grief and sadness and stuff is the worst! Seriously, I mean that thing with Iruka telling Naruto not to be sad literally the day he’s found out Jiraya is dead? No, okay, just no. You are allowed to grieve for a loved one, and you deserve hugs if you want them, and anything else is completely unreasonable.
> 
> Anyway: I have a friend, who has something like panic attacks, although the doctors are reluctant to call them that as she, like Naruto, can sort of decide when to have them. I borrowed a lot of her experiences for this. I myself have been lucky enough to have never experienced something like this, however, so if there are any glaringly obvious mistakes, please point them out. I’d have my friend help me out, but she’s not in the greatest place for that at the moment. (Also, feel free to classify Naruto’s breakdown as whatever suits you. I generally try to avoid naming things I can’t say, from my own experiences, can cause the reactions I write about. Not a medical professional, and so on, you know the deal.)
> 
> Oh, and the book Kakashi’s reading, in case you’re interested, is The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. It’s one of my all-time favourites.


	5. Chapter 5

Sakura can’t find Kakashi. Not that she’s looked, exactly, but he missed their meeting this morning that _he_ asked for, and his office has been empty the three other times she’s gone there today. As the Hokage, there’s a million valid reasons for why he could be held up and not in his office. Only it makes Sakura itchy.

Last time this happened, he resurfaced in the evening after a full day of some urgent Anbu business and Sakura felt ridiculous for worrying. The knowledge doesn’t help her now, merely makes her feel silly on top of the gnawing unease. She would hardly have made a deal out of it before, when their constantly tardy sensei was never where he was supposed to be. Kakashi going missing is very much in character, only Sakura’s view of it has changed.

It’s already dark out, and if Kakashi had a girlfriend – or even better, a wife – Sakura would have gone over to the Hokage residence and knocked on the door. Instead, he’s a single man with a weird taste in books and more than one woman staring at him behind his back. Sakura is 18 now, a well-known and respected kunoichi, even if she’s not pretty. The fact that Kakashi’s her genin sensei doesn’t neutralize the fact that she’s single as well, not in the eye of the public. No matter how revolting the idea is. None of them need that kind of gossip going around, is the thing, so she goes to Naruto’s instead.

Blue eyes scrunch up as he opens his front door and sees her. “Sakura-chan,” he says, “what are you doing here?”

“What?” she can’t help but question, crossing her arms over her chest, “I come by every now and then, friends are allowed to visit each other.” And sure, usually she wouldn’t at nine o’clock on a Wednesday evening, but that’s hardly relevant. “Are you going to let me in?”

Naruto steps aside, allowing Sakura to enter. She toes her sandals off before following him the three steps to the living room. “Did something happen?” Naruto asks, leaning his hip against the week-old chūnin vest hanging over the back of a chair.

Sakura doesn’t quite succeed in suffocating a sigh. “Have you seen Kakashi-sensei today?” she asks. Standing in the middle of the room feels awkward, so she takes a step and rests her shoulder against the kitchen wall. The apartment is messy, but not as bas as it could be when they were younger. Even Naruto is growing up. In some ways.

“No,” Naruto answers, turning fully towards her new position, “why?”

Which is really the million ryō question. Sakura thugs at a stray lock of her hair and tries to find an answer that neither makes her sound neurotic nor makes Naruto worry. “He was just meant to meet me today,” she says, “but he didn’t show.” Adding a shrug does little to smooth out the wrinkle between Naruto’s eyebrows.

“Kakashi-sensei is Hokage now, you know,” Naruto cocks his head, “he could be busy.”

“I know,” Sakura admits, bringing one of her arms behind her back and hooks her fingers around the opposite elbow. “It was this morning though, and he usually finds you later when he doesn’t show.” She looks down at her feet. “I’m sorry, I’m being ridiculous.”

Why is she even here? Sure, Naruto is sort of generally worried about Kakashi as well, but she’s taking this too far. Kakashi might be eating anti-depressants and Naruto might have had a late evening conversation with him on top of the Hokage mountain, but apart from that there’s nothing to indicate anything is going on.

“Nah,” Naruto’s smile can be heard in his voice, “you just care. Don’t worry about it, I’ll check where he is.”

As Sakura looks up, Naruto is already pulling out the chair he’s leaning against and plopping down. He stills. Over the space of an inhalation orange bleeds out around his eyes, and when he opens them again it’s with yellow irises and vertical slits for pupils. Those eyes still bring Sakura’s mind to a temporary stop; that he can do this at all is unbelievable. His chakra control used to be abysmal, but now he can gather and use natural energy like no one else alive. It’s a wonder he found the patience to learn something like that when he still hasn’t managed to sit still long enough to be taught basic healing.

“He’s at home,” Naruto says, scratching his chin, “which is normal, you know, only.” He makes a face.

“Only what?” Sakura allows herself to stare Naruto down when he doesn’t immediately respond. As a trained medic-nin she knows how to curb the most difficult jōnin patients, Naruto stands no chance.

“Well,” Naruto says, “I meant to tell you, you know, but there was the chūnin exams, and then I sort of forgot, and…” he rubs his neck and Sakura can bet he’s not completely honest. “Anyway,” he continues, “Kakashi-sensei and I was speaking last month, and he said this thing. Like, something about him not being able to get out of bed for days? Not now, I don’t think, but when he was away or something, and I meant to tell you, I did, but,” he waves his hands instead of finishing the sentence.

It sure raises a lot of question, Sakura thinks, and not all of them about what Kakashi said. Something made Naruto not want to talk about whatever conversation they’d had, and while that could be out of respect for their sensei Sakura thinks it isn’t. It’s about something else, or he wouldn’t look so flustered to begin with.

“That’s not good,” is the only thing Sakura allows to pass her lips. She’s a professional like that. And it _isn’t_ good, at all. It does explain a few things about Kakashi coming back medicated, however, and how he could have been forced to assent to that. None of which she can tell Naruto.

“You’re his appointed medic-nin,” Naruto says, biting his thumb. Sakura wants to tell him how disgusting that is, but it’s his own problem really. “Will me telling you this be a problem?”

Sometimes, which is more often than she’d like to admit, Sakura doesn’t know whether she wants to hit or hug Naruto. The comment stings with the sharpness of a senbon lodged into Sakura’s back, because Naruto should know she can be trusted. Only, if she were to do her job, Kakashi would be in trouble, and if she doesn’t, she’ll be in trouble if anyone finds out. It’s not like Naruto knows she’s already made this choice.

“No, you idiot,” Sakura says, crossing her arms in front of her body. “Kakashi-sensei taught us better than that.” There’s a limited amount of times you can hear that friends are more important than rules before you start believing it. Sakura thinks her limit was somewhere about three, since it’s a very reasonable philosophy, but it was a long time ago now.

This conversation has little chance of going anywhere Sakura wants it to, so she solves the problem by moving towards the front door. “Are you coming?” she throws over her shoulder.

“Absolutely!” Naruto jumps to his feet. “Where are we going?” The sage mode is already fading away, leaving his eyes a strange green colour as Sakura catches them for a moment.

“To find Kakashi-sensei, obviously.” She drags the last word out, uses her tone and eyebrows to tell him how she feels about the question.

“It is pretty late, you know.” Naruto’s complaint isn’t serious, and Sakura easily herds him out of the apartment.

“Exactly,” she agrees, “which is why your coming. That way I can tell him it was your idea.” Naruto’s sputtered protests last them all the way out to the street.

.oOo.

Kakashi-sensei opens his front door with an eyebrow already raised. “It’s late,” he points out.

“I told her,” Naruto points wildly to Sakura, “but she…” Hitting him over the head works well to shut him up, so Sakura does exactly that. “Hey!” Naruto glares at her, but Sakura glares right back. She can compete with the best of them.

“Maa Naruto,” Kakashi cuts in, “how you’ve managed to survive this long with reflexes like that is a mystery.”

“Thanks sensei,” Sakura smiles at him while ducking a return swing from her teammate. “Can we come in?” There’s a sigh and Kakashi lets go of the door he’s been holding open. Sakura knows it’s as much of an invitation as they’re likely to get.

“I see you’re not going to give me much choice in the matter,” Kakashi points out as Sakura and Naruto slip inside and step out of their shoes.

“Are we alone in here?” Sakura asks before Naruto has time to open his big mouth. As Hokage Kakashi is likely to have an Anbu guard, and this is not a conversation she wants overheard.

Grey eyes peer at her before Kakashi walks off towards the kitchen. “I don’t let them in the house,” Kakashi says. “Their commander tried to protest, claiming protocol and tradition and whatever, but considering I used to be his squad leader he lost.” Shrugging, Kakashi waves towards the kitchen table while he fills a kettle.

“Are you even allowed to tell us that?” Naruto asks, eyes and grin equally wide. “I thought everything Anbu-related was top secret.”

“And what exactly did you learn?” Kakashi asks, turning around and leaning against the counter.

“Um,” Naruto scratches his neck, “that you were his squad leader?”

They already knew Kakashi used to be an Anbu squad leader, however, and given how long he was there for and Sakura’s estimation of the size of the organization, he might as well have been the commanding officer for over half the force at one point or another. It was hardly a surprize that whoever were at the top of the Anbu’s organization at this time would have started out when Kakashi lead missions.

“That, despite your mellow appearance, you’re not above abusing both your current and previous positions for your personal gain?” Sakura asks with a sweet smile.

Kakashi laughs. “Well,” he says, “if they’re going to force this on me, I might as well make it as tolerable as possible.” The water boils and Kakashi turns his back to them while pouring it into a teapot and throwing in leaves. When he brings it to the table the moment of happiness is gone and he’s back to neutral. “I’m going to hate this, aren’t I?” he asks, cocking his head.

“Nah,” Naruto says, passing out cups. “We’re just checking in, you know?”

“At,” Kakashi glances at a watch, “ten o’clock?”

“You missed our meeting today,” Sakura points out. Now that she’s here, she wishes she’d planned this more carefully.

“Something came up.” Kakashi shrugs.

It takes Sakura literally biting her tongue to stop herself from asking _what_ came up. Being confrontational is not going to help. Unlike Naruto, Kakashi isn’t going to get upset, forget himself, and scream the answers at her. “How are you?” she asks instead, because this dance is getting old quickly.

“Fine.” Kakashi-sensei’s eyes are perfectly steady meeting Sakura’s as he sips his tea behind the yellow Icha-Icha.

He’s her elder, Sakura remind herself, and the Hokage; she’s not allowed to punch him. “Do you have to be so difficult?” she asks instead.

“Do you have to tiptoe around, pretending you’re _not_ here to make sure I didn’t have a mental breakdown?” It’s said casually, calmly, and without hesitation. There’s also a sharpness to his voice. The way there used to be, right before he took Sasuke or Naruto down a peg when they got it in their minds they were above their own level. Even Sasuke learnt not to argue with that voice.

Sakura closes her mouth. Turns to her side to meet Naruto’s eyes, who are as wide as her own feel. Their sensei might have been forthcoming about things a few times these last months – about his medications with Sakura, with what he told Naruto – but they’re on dangerously thin ground here. Not that they should be surprised, Kakashi always knew how to see underneath the underneath.

The snap of the book closing draws Sakura’s eyes back across the table. Kakashi leans his cheek against a hand, elbow propped on the table, and watches them. Despite having known him for a third of her life, Sakura can’t tell if he’s amused or despondent, or something else. That, if anything, makes her revaluate a lot of things she thought certain.

Kakashi sighs, the movement making his hair sway. “I’m tired,” he says, “but I’m functioning. The anxiety’s manageable, which is good because shutting it out is _worse_.” He sounds worn out, but steady, and his eyes on them is unrelenting. “So,” he continues, “I’d say ‘fine’ sums it up neatly; while saving you the discomfort of finding something to answer back, and me the vary looks you’re giving me now.” Kakashi’s eyes fold into a clearly fake smile. “Was that what you wanted to hear?” he says.

“Not really,” Naruto says next to her. Sakura wants to clarify that he means it like Kakashi should be able to truthfully say he’s good, not that the man should lie, but she has trouble formulating it.

Shinobi doesn’t show tears. They pride themselves on being in control of their emotions. This has been ingrained in them all since the academy. And now Kakashi’s sitting right there, admitting to weakness like it’s just another thing, and Sakura can’t quite take it in. He isn’t supposed to be anything but strong, he _is_ strong, only he is apparently this as well, and it’s disconcerting. Tsunade has her demons too, of course, but Sakura never heard her admit their existence like this.

Bringing up the book again Kakashi sips at his tea. Sakura remembers there’s a cup in front of her as well and mimics him. It saves her from speaking for another few seconds. “You two talk about me then?” Kakashi asks before Sakura can find her words. He doesn’t sound accusing, but if the ground felt thin before it now feels like rice paper. Sakura glances Naruto’s way. A sigh escapes Kakashi. “I’m not angry,” he says, “just trying to figure out who knows what.”

“I, um,” Naruto starts, tugging at his jacket and fidgeting in his chair, “told her what you said about not getting out of bed, you know? Because she was worried and everything, and… yeah.” He draws a breath and straightens. “You did tell me to talk to her though,” he says. “ _You_ said to tell her.”

Kakashi hums. “And did you tell her the rest of it?” he asks.

There is no one who can make silences sound guilty the way Naruto can. Curiosity shoots through Sakura, mingled with apprehension. It speeds up her heart even as it loosens her tongue. “What rest?”

“Nothing!” Naruto is quick to answer, shaking his head. Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him, and Sakura thinks of pinching Naruto’s arm. Hard. She was right, back at his apartment, thinking there’s more to the story.

What is a real surprise, though, is Kakashi saying, “it doesn’t matter,” while shrugging. “It’s nothing important.” Which is a lie. Sakura can tell. She can’t question Kakashi like she can Naruto, however. Not that that will stop her from making a face at them. “Did Sakura also tell you what she knows?” Kakashi continues smoothly, and Naruto’s eyes lock onto her.

“What?” he says, “you know something? That you kept from me even after I told you all that?”

“Patient confidentiality means…”

“Very little,” Kakashi cuts in, “since _if_ you’d found out in the capacity of medic-nin, it’d surely be in my file. I have it on good authority it isn’t.” That’s not how patient confidentiality works, and they’re not arguing, exactly, but it takes only a look from Kakashi to stop Sakura from correcting him. “I’m on anti-depressants,” he tells Naruto before waving away any questions with a tired gesture. “Ask Sakura what it means later.”

“Great,” Kakashi continues. Sakura wants to cut him off, because she’s not done with the conversation before this one, and she’d rather not have to navigate all of Naruto’s questions. She wouldn’t know where to begin however; not with talking more about how Kakashi’s doing, not with pressing for details about what Naruto hasn’t shared. Definitely not with discussing SSRI and its uses with Kakashi sitting right there listening. Just, _no_. Better to let Kakashi go on. “Now, since you’re here and I missed our meeting,” he says, “why don’t we make up for that?”

Naruto makes a displeased noise and Sakura looks over at him. “No way,” he says. “You can’t just make me sit through a whole stupid, boring hospital meeting. This was Sakura’s idea. I shouldn’t be punished. Besides, you’re totally doing it to change the subject.”

The muscle of Naruto’s shoulder flex and strengthens under Sakura’s knuckles for a brief moment of contact. Naruto crashes into the chair on his other side and overturns it. “Idiot,” Sakura tells him, allowing her frustration to leak through. “You’re not supposed to sell your friends out like that. Not to mention, you’re letting him.”

“I think,” Kakashi says, as if Sakura’s interlude never happened, “that you’ll have future use for this meeting, Naruto. And, for your information, I’m not changing subject. Which you’d know if you’d asked what the meeting was about instead of assuming.”

Grumbling wordlessly, Naruto rights the chairs and sits back down. He rubs his shoulder, but with his healing factor the bruise should already be fading. Sakura is a saint for not snapping and throwing him through a wall.

Up until this moment, Sakura has figured the meeting would be almost exactly what Naruto predicted. With Tsunade gone to drink herself into oblivion and gamble away money she doesn’t have, Sakura sometimes serves as a stand in for her. Once she returns, Tsunade will head the medical corps, but in the meantime there’s a bit of a gap where different pieces of the job have fallen into different laps. Unfortunately (although it’s meant to be an honourable position), dealing with the administration for the Hokage office has fallen on Sakura. If only paperwork weren’t so mind-numbingly boring.

“What’s the meeting about then?” Sakura asks, because it seems Naruto won’t, and someone needs to.

Kakashi tilts his head to the side and watches her quietly for a second. “Is it possible to do something about it?” he finally asks. “What would happen if I asked for an evaluation of our mental healthcare systems?” He sounds thoughtful, voice almost distant but mind very much present.

‘Chaos,’ isn’t a proper answer, so Sakura keeps that to herself. Not that it’s inaccurate. Of all the possible concerns she’s circled through regarding Kakashi’s medication, him deciding to fight the order of things wasn’t one. Apparently, it needs to be put rather high on the list. “Probably,” she answers out loud, “you’d get the answer that everything is working as intended. Maybe have one or two small things pointed out that can use improving.”

“Because people actually think that, or because of the consequences if you say otherwise?”

The question makes Sakura pause. Shizune’s exact words on the matter escapes her now, years later, and she’s never mentioned it again after that day. What does her colleagues think? What does she think, when it comes down to it? Kakashi’s question was vague, and while some changes are more than overdue Sakura can’t give a blanket answer to something like that. “A little bit of both?” she settles on. “It’d probably depend on what was the outcome; how far it’d be from what we have today, and in what ways.”

Nodding, Kakashi looks between Sakura, Naruto and the teapot on the table. “For the general population,” he says, “I’d say the first one vastly outweighs the second. Especially if we’re talking about things like being able to get help without repercussions.”

He wants Sakura’s opinion on the medical-nin, and if they differ, that much is clear. Wouldn’t hurt him to ask her properly, but Sakura’s used to it by now. Sometimes she wonders if it’s a measurement of how important something is; how much of a roundabout Kakashi takes while mentioning it. “I don’t know about the medical corps,” she tells him. “Honestly. It’s not talked about.”

Kakashi inhales. Blinks slowly. Sakura wonders what he’s thinking. She should volunteer, she knows she should, and if he’ll ask her she’ll do it, but there’s a sour taste in her mouth at the thought. Her tongue numbs with it, refusing to form the words.

“I’d probably need someone from the outside then,” Kakashi says. “Whose career won’t be ruined by it.” Just like Sakura kept her trepidation to herself, she buries her relief now.

“What about _your_ career?” Sakura asks, because she’d rather not keep thinking of this in relations to herself, and because it’s an important question. It’s more than his career too, being a ninja is a way of life. Even Sakura, with her civilian background, has very little left outside of the ranks these days. Should she lose her status and her friends in the shinobi world, there’d be nothing but her parents left for her.

The shrug that finds its way to Kakashi’s shoulder is as careless as they come. “I’ll take the risk,” he says, as if it’s somethings he’s ordering of a restaurant menu,

“Wait what?!” Naruto is gripping the edge of the table, leaning forward.

Kakashi smiles easily at him. “I did tell you this meeting might be valuable for you too,” he says. “Although I doubt they’ll fire me right of the bat. Unless they can convince Tsunade to come back.”

“What are you even talking about?” Naruto’s voice is too loud, jabbing through the air.

“Keep up.” Sakura can’t help but snap. Sure, he’s not the best at imprecise conversations but this one shouldn’t be hard to follow. “Kakashi-sensei wants to reform the mental healthcare for shinobi. People will not approve. He’ll be happy if the shit, once it’s hit the fan, don’t all stick to him ostracising him completely.” She loses momentum halfway through the last sentence. Realizes Naruto might be upset rather than clueless with his question. Realizes, also, the implications of what’s being said. “The question is not what,” she continues, back to calm professionalism and turning to Kakashi, “it’s why?” He looks away. Maybe Sakura’s handling this all wrong, but there’s only two ways she knows how to respond to things like this: With frustrated anger and tightened fists, or by finding the calm of her profession. The latter of the two feels like the lesser evil.

“It’s not just me,” Kakashi tells the kitchen window, his fingers rubbing the outside of his cup. “If none of the genin graduating now will wake up in twenty years, only to wonder which of their traits are personality, and what’s ingrained trauma or unhealthy coping mechanisms; then my career doesn’t really matter.” He glances at them, and Sakura wonders what he sees. How much of the echo in her mind that’s discernible from the outside.

To even begin answering what was shared feels impossible. Nothing Sakura says will make any difference. Kakashi didn’t explicitly tell them any of it applies to him, of course, but Sakura’s not stupid. She just wishes she knew what to do with the information. There’s a huge hole in her medical training that becomes clearly visible in the light of Kakashi’s words. It’s shape too similar to the figure in from of her for Sakura’s liking. “It might not even work,” she says, instead of any of the things she probably _should_ be saying. “What if it’s all for mothing?”

Beside Sakura, Naruto fidgets but stay silent. Kakashi cocks his head and shrugs, nonchalant as he speaks. “I’m not planning on throwing myself under the bus,” he emphasizes, “I shouldn’t need to talk about myself at all.” In theory, his reasoning is sound, but Sakura can feel doubt finding its way to her face. Kakashi must catch it, as he answers before she can ask. “And if I end up dragged down with it, from proximity alone?” Another shrug, a small shake of his head, and a smile that’s too sharp to be happy in the pause before he continues. “I’ve already sacrificed far more than my career for this village.”

He’s sacrificed his very life, Sakura knows, not that long ago. The worst part is how she’s not certain that’s what he’s talking about.

“I won’t let them.” The hard voice makes Sakura look to her side. There’s fire in Naruto’s eyes, his hands curled into fists, and the words he speaks comes out like an unbreakable promise. Like simple, undeniable truth. “No way am I watching you getting dragged down Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto continues, “you’re my friend. Believe me: With the future and current Hokage teaming up they won’t be able to touch us.”

The smile Kakashi’s eyes fold into in return is soft around the edges. Tired. “They might, Naruto,” he says. “Trust me, I’ve seen it happen before.”

Naruto nods, slowly. “I know you have,” he says. They both know what happened to Kakashi’s father. They found it in the clan records as curious genin; before they learnt to be careful with where they dug. “But don’t forget I grew up like that,” Naruto continues, “so I know something about it too. As long as you’ve got your precious people at your side, none of it can touch you, and I’m at your side.”

Kakashi looks to the ceiling. Takes a breath that looks downright painful. Sakura finds words tumbling up her throat before she can think about it.

“Me too,” she tells Kakashi. She might not be able to stand on the barricades – as a young kunoichi of civilian origin she stands no chance in a fight like this and she knows it – but war is fought on many fronts. And either way she won’t abandon _him_. Even cast out Kakashi will always be her sensei. Sakura swears to herself to never forget that.

When he looks back down, Kakashi’s jaw is set and his eyes clear. “Thank you,” he says, and Sakura wonders if she’s imagining the faint crack in his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that’s where this chapter ends. Sorry. I rewrote the last scene like three times, and well, this is how it turned out. If I never publish this I can’t start on the next, so I had to draw the line. Let me know what you think.


	6. Chapter 6

Kakashi’s hammered the importance of stretching into Naruto’s skull since forever. As he’s not completely hopeless like that, no matter what Sakura says, which means Naruto does stretch. At least when he’s been training with Kakashi. There’s also something about those twenty minutes, both of them bruised and worn out, calm and present in the silence, that makes Naruto feel soft inside.

It’s two days since he and Sakura visited Kakashi, and Naruto learned a lot of things he has yet to fully understand. He asked Sakura about some of it yesterday, and got a bunch of impersonal schoolbook answers. Which taught him things, sure, but not what he wanted to know. Apparently, she doesn’t know the answers to those questions. At least that what she says.

Here, in the middle of a wide field, the last traces of natural energy fading from his body promising him they’re alone, Naruto feels it bounce about in his head. The sun’s soft on his skin, holding warmth despite it being December, and the wind smells like damp shadows under trees. Next to him, Kakashi shifts into the next position easily, settling on the ground and folding over one outstretched leg. Naruto mirrors his movements.

“Can I ask something?” he says, twisting his neck to look at Kakashi.

“You just did,” Kakashi points out, but not unkindly, “and since when do you ask anyway?”

“It’s about what we talked about the other night.” Naruto feels a flutter of nervousness in his stomach. Ignores it.

Kakashi hums, in a way that sounds like agreement, and Naruto makes himself go on. “I asked Sakura,” he says, “and she told me some things, but she didn’t,” Naruto hesitates briefly. This had been easier when he was angry. When it seemed Kakashi was giving up. Surely, it’s not supposed to be like that.

The words, when they come this time, tumble from Naruto’s mouth, fast and graceless. “What about _you_?” The last of Naruto’s air runs out with the sentence, short as it is. Inhaling, he looks at Kakashi, mind searching for a way to soften the coarseness of what he just heaved out. It’s just been on his mind, is all, a lot over these last twenty-four hours, and he knows it’s not the kind of question you’re meant to ask, he does, only he can’t keep his mouth closed. Never could. Kakashi doesn’t look angry though, or disapproving. He taps a finger against his leg, and his eyes pass straight through Naruto for a second of contemplation. About what, Naruto doesn’t dare guess.

“A little bit of everything?” Kakashi’s tone puts a question mark at the end of the statement, his eyebrows twitching together. “I think my prescription says it’s against depression, and I know I was diagnosed with that. I have anxiety, sometimes. Thinking about it now, I’m also not sure my scores on the PTSD test were correct, but it might be on a level now where it doesn’t meet the diagnosis criteria either way, I don’t know. Not like I can have it looked into here. Some kind of chronic stress is in there too, although the pills won’t help for that.”

There’s a lot of words there that Naruto doesn’t know. Sure, Sakura talked about these things, and some others, but it’s still unclear to him what they mean. “Ask,” Kakashi tells him when Naruto’s been staring at his foot for too long. Only he doesn’t know what to ask. Or what to say.

“I’m not sure I get what that means, you know,” Naruto says. “As in what it _really_ means, not Sakura’s academical explanation, but for real. Like, what does it mean for you?” Because that’s what it comes down to, in the end; Naruto listened to Sakura and he asked some questions and he sort of understood the concepts, but he can’t make that go together with Kakashi-sensei. Doesn’t have enough information to fit those two concepts together in his mind. “You don’t have to answer though,” Naruto hurries to add, once he realized what question slipped past his lips. Kakashi hasn’t been opposed to questions this far, has almost seemed like he wants to answer them in some weird way Naruto can’t quite grasp, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries Naruto might overstep. And Naruto’s frightfully good at overstepping boundaries.

As Naruto rearranges himself to grab the outside of his foot and stretch his shoulder, Kakashi hums. On Naruto’s skin the sweat is turning cold, chilling him down. “I don’t mind answering,” Kakashi says, “I’m just trying to figure out how.” Naruto nods. Silently, because he doesn’t trust himself to not talk too much if he opens his mouth.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard what happened to my genin team,” Kakashi starts. It’s not a question so Naruto keeps his ‘no’ to himself. He heard some of it, from Obito during the fight, but there’s huge gaps there. They died, that much is clear. “Afterwards, I was…” Kakashi’s looking through Naruto again, and Naruto can’t help but wonder what he sees out there. “It was not good,” Kakashi ends up saying, and Naruto can smell the understatement in the air those words touch.

“If anything,” Kakashi continues, “Anbu teaches you to shut down what you’re feeling. To be numb. And eventually things got easier. I could sleep again. Only numb isn’t the best place to be either. It’s better, in some ways, but also worse in others. I haven’t…” he hesitates. Closes his eyes for a second. “I’ve gone through the motions, which is what matters. As long as you can manage that you’re okay, or so I thought. Turns out that was wrong.”

It’s not the right time to want to be angry, so Naruto doesn’t quite want that. Except a little. Because he has absolutely no idea what he’s supposed to answer. It feels deeply unfair; that he could drag Obito back from his insanity yet feels utterly lost now. Like the very ground has been tilted a degree or two. Not enough to be clearly noticed, but throwing him off balance and leaving everything slightly skewed. And being angry on the ground wouldn’t amount to much.

After Naruto’s opened and closed his mouth a few times, Kakashi takes pity on him. “Do you ever look at the village, or the forest, or something, and marvel at its beauty?” He says. Which is not at all what Naruto expected. “Do you ever smile when there’s no one around to see you?”

The first question is a bit weird, but Naruto thinks he knows what Kakashi means. Like the warm, fierce protectiveness he can feel sometimes as he walks through the village when the rain has just let up. As the streets are dark with water and rinsed free of dust, and everything smells like thunderstorms and greenery and sand. When the people are peaking wet heads out of doorways to check if the coast is clear. Naruto loves those moments. “Sure,” he tells Kakashi, because yes, the first question is strange, but he always smiles thinking of good pranks. “Wait,” he then adds, the meaning of the question sinking in. “Don’t you?”

Kakashi doesn’t answer, not in words. Shakes his head slowly instead. “What did Sakura tell you?” he asks, “about depression?”

“Um,” Naruto reaches for words. It feels like he’s being tested, but that could just be him. Theoretical questions always feel like a test. “That it’s, like, suddenly being sad and crying all the time? And maybe you stop doing things, or does stupid things that hurt you?” Saying that to Kakashi’s face might not have been a great idea, but as usual Naruto realizes this too late.

“So what if I tell you that, with what I know now, I can’t remember a time when I’m certain I wasn’t depressed?” Kakashi’s voice is calm, his face perfectly impassive.

Naruto’s brain stalls, and as usual when that happens what thoughts he can manage runs straight out of his mouth. “But,” he hears himself saying, sitting up straighter to wave his hand around, “that can’t be right. I’ve seen you happy a lot of times. I mean, your humour is weird, but you laugh and stuff, and I’ve never seen you cry.” Silence falls, for what is probably less than a second but feels like an eternity as Naruto struggles to wrestle his thoughts under control and come up with something that can be considered damage control. Clearly, that’s not what he was supposed to say.

Th chuckle climbing up through Kakashi’s throat to break the silence is a dark sound. A laugh but also not; something strangled and breathless about it. “Yeah,” he raises an eyebrow and holds Naruto’s gaze locked to his, “because that’s what it’s all about. As long as someone laughs occasionally, they’re fine. Then it doesn’t matter if they can’t get out of bed in the mornings, or if they lose themselves for hours staring at names of dead people.”

There’s a lump in the way when Naruto swallows. It tastes like failure. When he hears it said like this, he knows he should have put the pieces together earlier. Should have noticed. Only, it never even crossed his mind. “Sorry,” he says now, and it’s too little too late, but it’s all he has.

“Don’t be.” Kakashi-sensei’s voice sounds sincere. Like forgiveness. Naruto gives up on the pretence of stretching and settles down facing him. “I’d have answered the same less than a year ago,” Kakashi continues, bending over his leg but turning his head enough that Naruto can see his eyes. “When I was first told I might be depressed, I thought they were crazy. I thought you can’t be depressed if you’re sometimes happy, and I thought being depressed meant not functioning. I’m not blaming you for thinking the same, I just… I wish that someone had taught us these things. That someone had looked at me when I was younger, and gotten me help.”

It’s been on Naruto’s mind enough, what it would have been like to have someone care when he was little. To grow up with parents, or siblings, or anyone. Just one person who didn’t have it in their job description to look after him. Oh, he is grateful for Iruka and Kakashi and Jiraiya, more than grateful, but he’s also aware they were saddled with the responsibility for him. That knowledge has a way of leaving a small stain on everything that comes after.

“They should have.” Naruto draws on his stony strength as he speaks the words. Doesn’t bother specifying which part he aims them at, because they stand for both of them. He should say something more, but has no clue what it would be. Silence falls again instead, and Naruto looks out over the training ground. The next one over, someone uses a fire jutsu, singeing the treetops before water rises to meet it. Steam billows towards the sky, and Naruto realizes there’s a loose end to their conversation. “If depression isn’t crying,” he asks, glancing at Kakashi, “then what is it?”

A breath passes, and for the length of it, Naruto’s certain he won’t be getting an answer. Then Kakashi shrugs. “Emptiness,” he says, and Naruto follows his gaze to where the white cloud disperses against blue. “The feeling that what happens to you doesn’t matter.” The words are soft, not carrying more than a few meters. At the same time they come from a great distance.

“You think that?” Naruto can’t help but ask. He doesn’t know what he wants, but it’s not to sit here and relatively calmly ask this question. Fighting something would be preferable.

“What I _think_ hardly matters.”

It’s not a no, Naruto notices that much. There’s _feeling_ , waging a war for driving his body, so many of them in such a chaotic mix Naruto can’t name a single one. “I think it matters what happens to you,” he says. The words feel funny in his mouth, as if they stick in his throat, and his heart is beating as if he’s running at full speed.

Kakashi smiles when Naruto meets his eyes. Not more than a blink of his eyes and a barely visible shadow over his mask, which is how Naruto knows it’s not forced. Not exaggerated for him to see. “Thank you,” Kakashi says. 

Skimming his fingers over soft straws of grass, Naruto grabs hold of the writhing mess inside him and shoves it to the side. Lets his pulse slow down and his mind calm as much as it can. “Is it…” he hesitates, wondering if it’s too much to ask. Concludes he’s far enough down this rabbit hole by now that it will hardly bury him deeper. “…still like that? You know, with the pills?” Because that’s one of the things Naruto can’t understand about this (and there’s many of them, a whole bunch, but this is one of the more pressing ones); if Kakashi is eating medicine, shouldn’t that help? Why is this happening now?

“Yes,” Kakashi answers, his brow twitching. “And no.” He sighs. Rubs his forehead with a gloved hand. His fingers leave a smudge of dusty dirt clinging to the drying sweat. “They take away some of it.”

Wetting his lips, Naruto wishes he knew how to react to these things. It feels like he’s stumbling about in the dark. Wearing earplugs. He wants to say Kakashi will get better, that he can get help. “Can I do something?” he asks instead. At least that way he’s not lying. 

Kakashi exhales. Audibly but to slow for a sigh. Stares off into the distance for a few seconds before answering. “I don’t know,” he says, and he sounds tired. When he looks back at Naruto, he smiles. “This,” he makes a wave that encompasses them and the training ground, “is good though. Training brings me out of my mind.”

“I can do that,” Naruto makes sure to smile back. “Like, anytime.” Sparring with Kakashi is great, after all, Naruto wouldn’t mind getting to do it more often, especially with Sasuke out of town. “Did I destroy that by asking about this?” The words escape Naruto the moment he thinks them, sour against his tongue.

This time, when Kakashi laughs, it’s the normal kind. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, “I can see why you choose to forget it, given you lost spectacularly, but training is over for now.”

“I did not!” Naruto protests. “I lost twice, out of three, and it wasn’t even my fault.” It was definitely his fault, Naruto knows, as his thought-out tactic proved less than optimal, but he argues for the sake of it. The former conversation is marked as over, after all, that much is clear even to him. No matter what people say he’s not completely hopeless, he can read a room. Or a training ground, as it happens to be.

.oOo.

“Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto asks later, as they’re about to split up. They pause on the street corner, a small temple garden by their side and no one around that Naruto can sense. Watching the carefully raked gravel interspersed by steppingstones, Naruto searches for words. “Do you think?” he breaks off. Tries again. “Am I?” There are eyes on him, Naruto can tell, but he doesn’t turn to look at Kakashi. Not properly. Watches the other man’s flak jacket instead. “What happened to me, does that make me?” For all that Naruto’s words usually tumble out unchecked, they stick like glue to his tongue now.

“Does it make you what?” Kakashi’s voice is uncharacteristically gentle, and Naruto doesn’t know what to do with that. Whether to be grateful or nauseous. Or angry.

“Is there something wrong with me?” Naruto finally gets out, then turns back to the rock garden. It’s a stupid question. He shouldn’t have asked it.

“No,” Kakashi says. Firm. He places a hand on Naruto’s shoulder, nudging him to face him fully, but doesn’t remove it afterwards. It feels strangely intimate, standing in the middle of the street, his sensei’s hand resting on his shoulder. Physical comfort isn’t something to do where others might see. If at all. On the other hand, neither is asking the Hokage if you’re broken. “There is nothing wrong with you,” Kakashi clarifies. As if that makes it true. Yet hearing him say it _does_ make Naruto feel a little bit better. “I think you could benefit from some help; as impossible as that is here, for you, now, but I intent to do something about that. In the meantime, I’m right here.”

He should have done this at home, or something, Naruto thinks. Then maybe he could have let that shakiness he feels in his stomach lose. Maybe he could have had another hug.

But he’s not home, and Naruto’s not sure he would have done either of that even if he was. He chooses happiness instead. Grins at Kakashi-sensei as he latches on to his words. “Thanks sensei,” he says, feeling the smile down to his toes. “You too, you know,” he adds. Kakashi nods at him while raising an eyebrow. “Yup,” Naruto agrees, even if he’s not sure what to. “I’ve got guard duty soon though, so I’ve gotta bounce, you know. If you’ve got a more exciting mission soon, I wouldn’t mind. For the record.”

“We’ll see,” Kakashi answers. It could mean anything, and Naruto’s not even sure he knows what he’d want the answer to be. Sure, getting out of the village sounds amazing, but also not. He should be here, he thinks, since Kakashi might need him. It’s tricky, really, but also, luckily, not his choice. He’s a shinobi, and he does know how to follow orders. If they’re not too stupid.

“Great!” Naruto says. “See you later then.” Before Kakashi can answer, Naruto leaps clean across the street and up onto the roof, taking off in a sprint.


	7. Chapter 7

It’s the last workday before New Year’s, and Sakura’s spent far too much of it locked up in meetings. There’s more paperwork needing signatures than she feels is reasonable, and they keep popping up just as she thinks she’s done for the day. This far it’s resulted in five separate runs to the Hokage tower alone. At least Kakashi decided she needed lunch after the last one and forced her to take a break.

Maybe, if she’d actually had this as her job, she’d have been more prepared. Instead she’s started dreading someone knocking on her door, asking for another report or form she didn’t know was supposed to exist. If she’s stuck with this next year, she’ll start preparing in the middle of November, at the latest. This mad dash of December has not been dignified.

There’s a good spot for gyoza close to the tower, and Sakura finds herself there wondering if Kakashi chose it deliberately for her. She doesn’t dare ask. They talk about work instead, and healing chakra which Kakashi’s taken an interest in. He might never be much of a medic-nin, it’s a bit too late for that, but he’s got enough control to learn the basics of knitting up flesh wounds without years of work. What made him decide to do it now remains unclear. Another thing Sakura hasn’t dared bring up.

They’ve been stocking up lately, the things she doesn’t ask.

Sakura wonders sometimes, especially this time of the year, what made the Sandaime pick her as the third member of Hatake Kakashi’s genin team. Sasuke as the last Uchiha was a given, Naruto as Minato’s son was as well, even if that connection took Sakura far longer to figure out. But her? For a team that Kakashi would clearly have problems failing? Maybe it was simply because she was the opposite of the rest of them in most ways that matter. Female, civilian, timid and careful, theoretical. And with living, loving parents housing her.

She beat the insecure and shy part of herself years ago now. Has moved to her own apartment. Has grown up in a lot of ways. Not that she really has team 7 to thank for that. Kakashi wasn’t a bad teacher, but Sakura’s greater accomplishments are her own. _She_ was the one to convince Tsunade-sama to take her on, and _she_ was the one to make the best of it. Did the Sandaime see that potential, when he placed her with the boys; or was she simply another civilian girl that could be sacrificed for the spot of being the least recognized member in a team where just about anyone was doomed to be? Sarutobi Hiruzen is dead now, but Sakura rather likes thinking it was the latter.

She showed him alright. She showed _all_ of them. You can come from a civilian family and be as good a shinobi as any clan leader’s first-born. You can be a scrawny twelve-year-old, scared of your own shadow, and grow up to be not only fearless, but feared as well.

As a teacher, Kakashi was always demanding. As a person, hard to get close to. As a team leader, a steady presence at their side. The Sakura back then didn’t have much chance in the shadows cast by her teammates, but she holds no ill feelings about that. Kakashi took her in anyways, a civilian kid, and along with Naruto she was taught the things clan children grow up knowing. He told them how to recognize good ironwork, where to buy the best shuriken, and how to get stains of grass and mud and _worse_ out of their clothes when it became clear they’d never done it before.

Sure, Sakura has a mother. But when she came home for the first time, dried blood staining her dress (Naruto’s, and nothing more than a scrape with his healing, but a big deal at the time) she hadn’t dared bring it up. Snuck inside instead, tossed the garment into the washing machine only to throw it away when it didn’t come out clean.

Kakashi noticed it missing, because of course he did. Up until that point Sakura could have sworn he didn’t care enough to know the difference between her dresses, but apparently he did. Just like he took one look at Naruto’s shirt and caught the stain there, even if the colour hid it well.

The boys left, later. Sasuke for Orochimaru, Naruto for Jiraiya, and Sakura sought out Tsunade-sama. In retrospect, the irony isn’t lost on her. Apart from her, Kakashi was the only one left in the village, and Sakura thought she’d never hear from him again. It’s embarrassing now, that she thought so little of him. He’s not someone who abandons his team members.

Despite the fact that things have changed, team 7 still feels like family to Sakura. Even Sasuke, despite the years and distance put between them. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, a _family_ holiday, and Sakura will go home to her parents to celebrate. She has no idea what neither Naruto nor Kakashi will do.

It’s not a question she can ask, either, is it? For a lot of reasons. It’s rather rude to assume someone to be alone, for one. Or to assume they’d rather hang out with Sakura’s family if they were. Also, inviting the Hokage to their house might give Sakura’s parents a coronary. Her mother had been terribly nervous when it was the famous jōnin Hatake Kakashi who visited them as Sakura’s sensei; having the Hokage coming would break her completely.

So, Sakura hasn’t invited Naruto. Or Kakashi. For any of the last three years that she’s been thinking along these lines. Hasn’t even asked them afterwards what they’ve been doing. Naruto is probably with Iruka, she’s told herself; it would be rude making him chose between the two. Or leaving room for him to assume she looks down on their relationship somehow. The whole thing makes Sakura miss being young and innocent, and not having to wonder what her orphaned team members do for the holidays.

A good thing with Kakashi is that he never seems to mind when Sakura gets wrapped up in thoughts like this. They’ve left the restaurant and are heading back, walking in silence. Kakashi’s nose is in a book again, and they’ll be breaking up soon as Sakura heads towards the hospital. If she wants to say something, this is the time.

She doesn’t.

If this was any other day, that’s where they’d have split up. Sakura would have said a proper goodbye and Kakashi would have hummed over his book. Instead, just as Sakura opens her mouth, a shinobi she’s never seen before drops down from the rooftops above. “Hokage-sama,” she says, bowing formally, “I’ve been sent to inform you, you are needed by the Main Gate.”

Kakashi’s gaze is sharp as he snaps his book shut and shoves it in a pocket. “How come?” he asks.

“Some kind of drop-in, lacking proper paperwork and asking for you by name. I’m sorry, Hokage-sama, but that’s all I know.” The kunoichi is older than Sakura, and wearing a chūnin vest, but she radiates nervous insecurity.

“Thank you…” Kakashi adds a question in his brow, and the woman twitches.

“Mizumi,” she says, bowing again.

“Mizumi,” Kakashi repeats with a single nod. “You’re dismissed.” Mizumi bows a third time before hurrying off.

Sakura watches Kakashi in the split second before he takes off. There’s a twitch of his eyebrows, a narrowing of his eyes, then a quick blink. When he takes to the rooftops Sakura doesn’t hesitate to follow, suddenly curious. “I’m coming,” she tells him. In case he’s objecting.

“I noticed that.” Kakashi glance to his side as he speaks. “Although I did think you had paperwork to deal with.”

“Well,” Sakura reasons without a trace of hesitation, “I’m your medic-nin, I’d better be around if things get hairy.”

“Of course,” Kakashi’s voice is dry, pretending to be unamused, “and it’s got nothing at all to do with you being a nosy little shit.”

The laugh that rises in Sakura’s throat isn’t one she needs to hold back. “Nope,” she says, “it hurts me that you’d even suggest it.” Kakashi shakes his head but says nothing. Picks up his speed instead, over orange, beige, and blue tiled roofs that never so much as creaks under their feet. They’re both better than that.

The Main Gate is located clear across the village, but it doesn’t take many minutes the way they’re going. Sakura pass by right outside her office window, and feels a little guilty for not stopping. There was something though, on Kakashi’s face right before he took off, that she can’t shake the significance of. The _why_ of it all is elusive, maybe it’s simply the fact that there was anything but lax boredom. Sakura is clearly setting herself up for disappointment, will curse herself for wasting the time when it turns out to be dull, but won’t stop wondering otherwise.

They touch down in the open area by the gate, and nothing special is going on. Some woman is standing in the shadow of the wall by the guard station, strangely dressed and with an oversized backpack at her feet. Clearly civilian. What she’d want with the Hokage is hard to guess, but it will likely be none of the excitement Sakura was looking for.

Across the open space, the stranger notices them. A wide smile splits her face. She takes a step towards them, but makes it no further before Kakashi moves to her side. Sakura follows, slower. Picks a spot where she’s not far enough away that it’d be considered rude, but also not crowding. The smile she catches on Kakashi’s face from her new angle is not his polite one. He knows who this is then, this odd civilian with untamed hair pulled up in a bun and undisciplined limbs. The spark of curiosity flares up again.

“You’re early.” Kakashi’s wording and tone is inconvenienced, bordering accusing, and Sakura blinks. Sure, Kakashi jokes this way, but not while on official Hokage business. He can’t know her that well, can he?

“Or,” the woman says, her smile not losing a single watt of its brightness, “it’s you who are late with the paperwork?” It’s… Sakura doesn’t even know _what_ it is. Not very polite, or well mannered, and said to the Hokage of all people. For a civilian, she’s fearless, holding her metaphorical ground in a way few but the most hardened bar-owners does. Even _they_ are mindful and forgiving around the Hokage though, as shown by Tsunade’s drunken rages.

“No.” An eyebrow is raised, and Kakashi would sound bored and dismissive if Sakura didn’t know him like she does. Realizing she’s watching them rather obviously Sakura looks away. Catches the eye of Izumo at the guard station, who’s looking as innocent as she feels.

“Can’t blame a girl for trying,” the woman says. They’re standing close, Sakura has noticed, and neither has made a move to step away. She’s not sure if it’s a power play or indication of a closer relationship. It looks weird, either way; the two of them less than an arm’s length apart in the wide-open space. It makes Sakura wonder. 

“If that was your best attempt,” Kakashi says, “it’s embarrassing.”

Sakura dares a glance, and finds them staring at each other. There’s something in her sensei’s face, something she hasn’t seen before, and a thought slams into Sakura’s head like a sledgehammer. Kakashi never had a girlfriend that Sakura or Naruto heard of, never dated anyone to her knowledge, but… if it was anyone else…

“I’ve missed you,” the woman mumbles, soft but enough to carry on the wind to Sakura. Whose mouth doesn’t fall open. Not even when Kakashi doesn’t ghost at the first mention of potentially difficult feelings. (And sure, he’s been a bit better about that lately, not completely as hopeless, but still. Still.)

“Yeah.” It could be imagined. Sakura could make it up from the movement of Kakashi’s jaw and the whisper of the wind. There’s an easing of his shoulders, however, a movement that exaggerates through his body and sets it to motion.

And Sakura forgets about whether she heard him speaking or not. Because he _closes the distance_ , without hesitation or rush, wraps his arms around this newcomer as if it’s the most natural thing. In the middle of the street. With people milling around. None of which are very good at pretending they’re not staring.

It’s loud, without any accompanying noise; the action itself screaming at the top of its lungs. For someone of Kakashi’s stature, such a display is unbefitting. Not that Kakashi’s ever been very mindful of propriety, nor changed his behaviours much as he became Hokage. He keeps reading through conversations, is late more often than he’s on time, and hasn’t changed his generally lax attitude. So maybe, Sakura shouldn’t be surprised. She is though. She really is. Because she’s seen all of those things since she first met him. A more, well, _conscientious_ person might have dropped those habits as they took the hat, but like Tsunade, Kakashi never saw the need. This, however, is a new kind of divergent behaviour. Kakashi is not meant to be the touchy-feely kind.

The stranger is laughing, and Kakashi steps away saying something Sakura can’t pick out over the distance. It makes the woman aim a weak punch at his shoulder. And Hatake Kakashi – Hokage, jōnin, former Anbu – allows it to hit him. Does this stranger even know the significance of that?

Sakura can’t wait until she locates Naruto. Or possibly Ino, since Naruto’s not the best gossiper when it comes to these kinds of things.

Before Sakura’s had time to pick her metaphorical jaw off the street the couple (couple!) is making their way over. “Sakura,” Kakashi says as they stop, cocking his head, “meet Hermione.” He waves between them, one hand still in his pocket. “Hermione; Sakura.”

The stranger, Hermione, makes an awkward bow that’s close to wobbly under her enormous backpack. “Nice to finally be able to put a face to the name,” she says, smiling. Sakura is trying and failing to decide which part to focus on; that Kakashi has talked about her, or that he’s not told her about Hermione, or that Hermione exists at all.

“I’d say the same,” Sakura answers and glances at her sensei, who looks way too innocent, “but apparently someone’s been keeping a lot of things to himself.”

“Maa Sakura,” Kakashi shrugs, smiles, “I’ve told you things. I guess this just slipped my mind.”

“It slipped your mind you have a girlfriend?” If this was Naruto, she’d hit him hard enough to sent him flying. With Kakashi she doesn’t quite dare trying, so she puts her hands on her hips instead.

“I wouldn’t say _that_.” He smiles, and Sakura decides not to grace him with an answer. Continues to watch him instead. She has learnt something over all these years.

“What would you say then?” Hermione asks, and Sakura thinks she like her already, from the sharply innocent tone and blinking eyes alone. Anyone who can make Kakashi rub his neck the way he does now earns a point in her book.

“That I’m apparently surrounded by traitors and snitches.” He shakes his head and looks to the sky. “In my defence,” he continues, turning to Sakura, “my good friend here is two days early. Maybe I’d have told you all about her tomorrow.” The emphasis on good friend isn’t obvious, but there. Like Sakura’s going to buy that after watching their greeting.

“Ha, ha,” Hermione says, pausing between the syllables. “As if you’re not enjoying this.” A glance shows her smiling, her thumbs hooked under the straps of her backpack.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Raising an eyebrow, Kakashi meets Hermione’s eyes. Sakura’s seen him stare people down before; more often than not Naruto and Sasuke, back when they were team 7. This is not Kakashi staring someone down though. Just like he didn’t let her hit him earlier simply to prove a point. Why he’s bothering trying to label her as a ‘good friend’ Sakura will never understand. Not if he’s going to be this obvious about it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Hermione says, not missing a beat. “Now, I know it’s the middle of the workday, so just point me in the direction of a decent restaurant and preferably a place to dump my backpack, and get back to it.”

Which is how Sakura finds out Hermione will be staying in the Hokage residence.

Ino, she’s definitely going to go find Ino first thing. If only she didn’t have stupid paperwork to finish before the working day is done.

.oOo.

Sakura makes herself omurice for dinner. Alone. She carries the plate from her tiny kitchen to her tiny couch, to eat in front of her tiny tv. It’s not much, but it’s hers; a place where she can come and go as she wants, without any comments from her parents. She’s earning well, could afford something a bit bigger if she wanted to, but Sakura will need the money she saves one day.

One day, when she’s made Sasuke see how much she loves him. One day, when he’ll be ready to settle down and realizes she’d make a good wife. One day, when they’ll want to build a house to raise their children in. Having a few extra ryō won’t hurt then.

If only Sakura could figure out what she’s doing wrong. There must be _something_.

‘Get over him,’ Ino had told Sakura, months ago, flicking her long blonde ponytail and glancing at a table full of mediocre chūnin boys. What Ino doesn’t get is that Sakura isn’t in love with Sasuke like some stupid schoolgirl crush, and she’s not just about to give up on him. Enough people has done that already.

And if Kakashi-sensei can go and get himself a girlfriend out of the blue – one that he hugs in the streets, with contact from knees to chins, when they’ve been apart for a few months; and that he brings home with him as if it’s no big deal – surely, if _he_ can decide he wants that, then Sasuke can too? Right? Sakura only needs to make sure to be there when that happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hermione is back with us, finally. I’ve missed her! Writing this has been a wild ride people, so please share your thoughts. I’m marking this part of the story as finished here, and will pick things up in the new part called Deep green forests (the first chapter is already up). Love you all to pieces!


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